Ubergrun Chili

One thing I love about the German language (and subsequently the English language, though we don't do it nearly so much these days) is that new words are incorporated all the time just by smashing some together that already exist. Here I've used the adjective "ubergrun" to mean "intensely green," referring to the fact that five out of the seven whole food ingredients in this chili are of that persuasion.

While fighting off the cat in order to lick my bowl clean, I was uberpissed to learn from my husband- the Orlando Weekly's calendar editor and social butterfly extraordinaire- that there will be a chili cook-off this weekend. Why pissed? Because just when I finally invent a chili I'm proud of, and just when a chili cook-off finally happens in my neck of the woods... we won't be in town. On Friday, we hop a plane to Colorado and pay an off-season visit to some of the farms at which we've applied to intern. (That, or sit around in the airport all weekend waiting for a plane that's been delayed by an uberblizzard up in Denver.)

Joking aside, I'm ecstatic about this trip! If you'd like to read about the places we'll be touring, please pop on over to Doveland Farm and peruse some of my husband's recent posts.

I know, I know... enough with the blog plugging already. Bring on the uberdelicious chili recipe!

Ubergrun, Uberdelicious, Geez-I'd-Better-Stop-Saying-Uber-Before-I-Offend-a-Real-German Chili

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 yellow onion, diced large

1 stalk celery, sliced

1 Anaheim chile pepper, diced small

2 large cloves of garlic (or 3-4 non-ubercloves as pictured... gah, there's just so many appropriate places to say uber!), chopped

3 tsp. dried cumin

1 3/4 c. broccoli florets

1/2 c. cilantro leaves, chopped

Salt 'n' pepper to taste

1 1/4 c. black beans, cooked

2 Tbsp. sherry vinegar

3 medium to large green tomatoes, diced (approximately... I used two big ones from the farmer's market and five little ones my mom gave me from her garden)

2 tsp. orange blossom honey

Directions

Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan on medium-high. Add the onion, celery, chile, garlic, and cumin. Saute 2 minutes.

Add the broccoli florets and saute a few minutes more, until the onion is translucent and the broccoli is tender.

Add the cilantro, salt, and pepper; seasoning to your preference as if you intend to eat it as is. (Yes, there are still some ingredients to add, but when the water contained in the vegetables evaporates, you will be left with perfectly salted chili). Saute one minute more, then stir in the black beans.

Pour in the sherry vinegar and deglaze the pan.

Stir in the tomatoes, reduce the heat to medium-low, and cover the pan. Simmer 40 minutes. Add the honey and taste one more time to see if you need any more salt. Simmer, covered, 10 minutes more. Serves 3-4 (number of servings can be augmented to a solid 4 if you ladle it over rice, potatoes, cornbread, meat, etc.)

Don't get me wrong, the flavor of this chili was amazing; but in case you hadn't noticed, it's quite mild. I got an ubercramp in my wrist from shaking hot sauce into my portion. If I were to enter it in the cook-off, I would add a couple jalapenos for heat.

Okay, gonna stop saying uber now...

Dang, just said it again.

Okay... NOW!

Addendum: Huh, looking back on this, I'm not sure what all I'm counting as a "whole food" ingredient here... I didn't count my black beans because they came from a can, but there were no salt or preservatives added, so... meh? What do you guys count as whole food?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Got Leftover Kumquats?

If not, that's all right- this recipe begs for substitutions. Try using different types of onions, different types of rice, a different lager, fennel in place of celery, or orange slices with their juice in place of kumquats with their poaching liquid.

Sweet 'n' Sour Lentil Stew With Poached Kumquats

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 onion, diced large

2 cloves garlic, sliced

2 carrots, sliced

1 stalk celery, sliced

2 tsp. cumin

1 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. black pepper

Dried cayenne pepper to taste

1/2 c. fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

1 tsp. salt, divided

2 1/2 c. vegetable broth

1/2 c. Yuengling Lager

1 c. preserved tomatoes, diced (I really have got to get Pomi to advertise with me)

2 tsp. tomato paste

3/4 c. lentils, cooked

3/4 c. rice, cooked

1/2 of a poblano pepper; roasted, peeled, and chopped

1 c. poached kumquats

2 Tbsp. kumquat poaching liquid

Juice of 1/4 lemon

Directions

In a stew pot, heat the olive oil over medium-high. Add the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, cumin, cinnamon, black pepper, and cayenne pepper. Saute until the onions are translucent, about five minutes.

Add the cilantro and 1/2 tsp. of the salt. Saute one minute more.

Add the broth, beer, preserved tomatoes, and tomato paste. De-glaze the pot. Bring contents to a boil, then reduce heat and let simmer over medium-low for 15 minutes.

Add the lentils, rice, poblano pepper, kumquats, poaching liquid, and remaining salt. Simmer 15 minutes more. Remove from heat and stir in the lemon juice. Serves 4.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Kumquat Shortcake

Last night, friends treated my husband and me to a smashing roast chicken dinner (thanks again, Paul and Alice!) I volunteered to bring dessert. In recent weeks, I've had a hankering for something fruity and chile-influenced, which led me to poach these kumquats with a poblano pepper and serve them over a Sara Lee pound cake.

Oh, all right, you caught me.

The Sara Lee pound cake was a last-minute save. Anti-corporate control freak that I am, I made a batch of biscuits; but for some reason they came out tasting like bitterness incarnate. Will have to play around with that recipe for a bit and post it at a later date.

These kumquats, on the other hand, are to die for. Their tart-and-sweet flavor meshed excellently with the cinnamon, cloves, and chile.

Poached Kumquats With Poblano

Ingredients

2 pints kumquats

1/2 a poblano pepper

2 c. water

2/3 c. orange blossom honey

2/3 c. granulated sugar

3/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/8 tsp. ground cloves

Directions

Heat your broiler to the highest setting. Meanwhile, cut the kumquats into thirds horizontally (yes, you have to de-seed them, which is a pain; but it's not necessary to peel them.)

Place the pepper skin-side-up on an oiled baking sheet. Broil about five minutes, or until the skin is wrinkly and partially black on top. Remove and let cool. Peel off the skin.

Combine the water, honey, sugar, cinnamon, and cloves in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the kumquats and poblano, then reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer 20 minutes.

Remove the pan from the heat and let cool. Fish out the poblano, drain so that the poaching liquid runs back into the pan, and chop. Store the chopped poblano in a small container with a couple spoonfuls of poaching liquid to cover. Store the kumquats separately in the rest of the liquid. To serve, spoon the kumquats over any of the following (or something else that I haven't thought of):

Ice Cream

Cake

Biscuits

Sweet Cornbread

Corn Pudding

Bread Pudding

Fruit Salad

Pancakes

Crepes

Waffles

Cookies

Garnish with the chopped poblano. (Optional: Beat 2 Tbsp. of poaching liquid from the kumquats with 1 c. heavy whipping cream.) Serves 4-5.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Broccoli Salad With Golden Raisins, Olives, and Pickled Mirepoix Relish

My leftover steamed broccoli inevitably ends up in a cold dish, as reheating can make it mushy. I had tossed these little trees with salt, pepper, olive oil, and lemon juice during their first lives; so to dress the salad, all I used was a bit of additional olive oil.

Mirepoix refers to the French holy trinity of cuisine: onions, carrots, and celery. Tradition calls for two parts onion to one part each carrot and celery, a fact that I did not know when I made this pickled version. So if you're a publisher who has decided not to give me a cookbook deal based on that transgression, please keep in mind that, hey, now I know (though if you want an author who knows what the hells she's talking about, you're not the variety of publisher who would have given me a cookbook deal anyway).

Salad isn't the only use for Pickled Mirepoix Relish. You can sprinkle it on deviled eggs, thick soups, hot dogs... Maybe even dessert? Worth a shot. I see Pickled Mirepoix Cookies in my near future.

As mentioned at its first appearance on The Chickenless Kitchen, this brine recipe was adapted from the one for Fresh-Pickled Vegetables on page 220 of Alice Waters' The Art of Simple Food.

Pickled Mirepoix Relish

Ingredients

1/2 c. each carrot, celery, and onion, minced

1 batch of pickling brine, subbing an equal amount of sugar for the acai black currant syrup

Directions

Combine the veggies in a heatproof container. Set aside.

Bring the brine to a boil for five minutes. Pour the brine over the veggies. Strain immediately. Allow to cool, then store in the fridge for at least two hours before using. Makes 1 1/2 cups.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Pineapple Crisp With Lentil Cookie Topping

I admit it: I've led you astray. Turns out those lentil cookies I told you about don't store well at all. The lentils in mine dried out forty-eight hours after they left the oven, and I imagine that in drier climates (read: anywhere but Florida) their lifespan would be even shorter.

I advise that you either make these treats in small batches only or have some other use in mind. Since crisp topping is supposed to be crunchy anyway, I opted to crumble up my dried-out cookies, sprinkle them over a pan of juicy seasonal fruit, and bake. Dessert doesn't get any easier or tastier than this.

Pineapple Crisp

Ingredients

1 1/2 pineapples, cut into chunks

1 Tbsp. flour

8-10 lentil cookies, crumbled

Directions

Heat the oven to 375.

Mix the pineapple chunks and flour. Put them in a 10" pie pan (bet you're jealous of the adorable one that my mom got me for Christmas).

Bake the pineapple chunks on their own for 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and sprinkle the cookie topping over. Bake until sufficiently browned on top, about 20-30 minutes more. If the topping browns too much before the pineapple is soft, cover with a sheet of foil for the remainder of the cooking time. Serves 6.

I attempted to make pineapple whipped cream, but it came out tasting an awful lot like regular whipped cream. In case you want to play around with the recipe, here it is. By all means, please contact me if you find a better way!

Pineapple Whipped Cream

Ingredients

3/4 c. heavy whipping cream

2 Tbsp. pineapple juice

1 Tbsp. sugar

Directions

Whisk or beat all ingredients with an electric mixer until stiff. Makes about 1 1/2 c. whipped cream.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Lentil Cookies

You probably get bombarded with lies on this subject every day: "Don't worry, it's healthy but you still feel satisfied." "Tastes just like the real thing!" "Your kids will never know the difference if you substitute spinach for sugar." But the fact is, most diet desserts suck. And they will ultimately lead to a breakdown during which you will shovel too many un-diet desserts into your deprived piehole at one sitting.

All that said, PLEASE GIVE THESE COOKIES A CHANCE.

I know they sound like the Valium-fueled concoction of a 1970s ex-hippie supermom, but THEY REALLY DO TASTE GOOD. And if you are among my many vegetarian readers, you're sure to appreciate the extra protein that comes from combining lentils with oatmeal.

I adapted this recipe from the one underneath the lid of the Quaker Oats canister. The original is called Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, a longtime favorite in my house. In addition to subbing lentils for 1/3 of the oats, I threw in some dried ginger and cloves, which I thought would complement the other flavors nicely and help disguise the lentils. And of course, you can use anything you'd like in place of the raisins. This time I went half and half with golden raisins and chocolate chips. On my list to try are dried apricot chunks, dried cranberries, dried blueberries, and candied ginger (preferably chocolate-covered).

Lentil Cookies

Ingredients

2 sticks butter (salted if desired), softened

1 c. firmly packed brown sugar

1/2 c. granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

1 1/2 c. all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. dried ginger

1/8 tsp. dried cloves

1/2 tsp salt

2 c. oats (I used Quaker)

1 c. cooked lentils

1/2 c. chocolate chips

1/2 c. golden raisins

Directions

Heat the oven to 350.

Beat butter, sugars, eggs, and vanilla in a mixing bowl.

Combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and salt in a separate bowl, then incorporate this mixture into the wet ingredients.

Stir in oats and lentils.

Stir in chocolate chips and raisins.

Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet.

Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. Makes 4 dozen.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Curry Spiced Lentil Salad With Coconut

I'm calling this Kelly and Casey's Salad, in honor of my good friends who would hate it. Kelly hates peas, Casey hates curry, and I can't imagine I got through composing the rest of the ingredients list without stepping on their picky toes.

Kelly and Casey's Salad

Ingredients

5 carrots, peeled and sliced

3 large boiling potatoes, parboiled and diced large

2/3 c. lentils, cooked until just tender

2/3 c. split peas, cooked cooked until just tender

2/3 c. black olives, chopped

1/3 c. olive oil

Juice of 1/2 a lemon

2 cloves garlic, pressed or minced

1 inch piece of fresh ginger, grated

2 tsp. dried cumin

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. dried turmeric

1/2 tsp. dried coriander

1/4 tsp. dried cardamom

Dried cayenne to taste

1/2 c. chopped fresh cilantro

1/2 c. sweetened coconut flakes

Directions

Mix the carrots, potatoes, lentils, peas, and olives in a large container with a tight-fitting lid.

In a separate bowl, combine all remaining ingredients except for the coconut flakes and whisk together.

Pour the dressing over the salad contents, stir well, and seal the container. Let it marinate in the fridge at least 4 hours (an eight-hour work day is ideal). Thirty minutes before serving, add the coconut flakes and stir again, then leave the container on the counter until its contents are at room temperature. Serves 6-8 as an appetizer or light meal.

I served this salad with homemade pita chips and extra lemon wedges.

As always, I encourage you to play around with the recipe. For a creamy dressing, try adding plain yogurt or coconut milk. If you dislike the taste or texture of coconut, try subbing golden raisins, dates, or apples (fresh or dried).

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Tiger Potatoes

They were going to be called "Zebra Potatoes" before I ran a Google search to see if anyone else had coined the term. Turns out "Zebra chip" is slang for a pathogen that makes potato chips come out all brown-streaked and weird looking. I opted not to willingly associate a potato-based side dish I'd made with a potato-attacking pathogen. Seemed like it would be both bad luck and a little gross.

You may have run across these Ze... ahem... Tiger Potatoes before. You may even have invented something similar yourself. They're very simple to make, and if anyone in your family prefers white potatoes to sweet, this is a great way to pump a few more vitamins into said heretic.

All you need are a russet potato, a sweet potato, and seasoning/garnish of choice to serve two.

Step #1

Peel your potatoes and cut wedges into the tops, leaving at least 1/4" of flesh in tact along the bottom. Reserve the wedges.

Step #2

Insert wedges into the potato of the opposite color as shown. If they don't quite fit, you can opt to trim them down or widen the crevices.

Step #3

Wrap each potato securely in a paper towel and place right-side-up in your microwave. Microwave on high for three minutes.

Step #4

Let cool a little bit before attempting to remove the paper towel, but don't wait too long or it will stick. Serve them up however you're inclined. I butterflied mine and added butter, salt, pepper, nutmeg, and a bit of fresh dill.

Have you ever made Tiger Potatoes? I imagine I'm not the first, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The only thing missing from mine was big dollops of sour cream. Wish I'd had some in the house.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Christmas Presents

Another year of no money, another year of packaging cheap homemade foods up pretty and calling them gifts. This Christmas it was jam and cookies.

I had made jam before, but never canned it, and was excited to try. This recipe for Florida Citrus Marmalade (see below) was inspired by a recipe for Cranberry Orange Marmalade on page 188 of a Cooking Light holiday edition from November/December 2007. I wanted to see if I could achieve sufficient tartness using grapefruit and key limes instead of cranberries, which aren't native to Florida. In the future I may increase my limeage, but it came out pretty well for a first attempt.

As for the cookies, I made these of the potato chip variety (thanks a million to Brie le Grand Fromage!) and added chocolate chips. I wanted to dip them in chocolate, but there would be days' worth of car travel before many of these packages reached their destinations. As my Florida readers can tell you, the weather fluctuates like mad at this time of year, so I wouldn't want to risk making a melt-prone gift.

Here's what my kitchen looked like while I was making the cookies. Thought you may get a kick out of it:

Florida Citrus Marmalade

Ingredients

8 lbs. navel oranges (about 14 oranges)

2/3 of a ruby red grapefruit

6 key limes

6 c. sugar, divided

3 c. water

Directions

Zest two oranges and two limes. Remove peels from these and all other fruits. Chop the fruit and remove all seeds.

Combine chopped fruit and zest in a large saucepan with water and 2 cups of the sugar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low and simmer 15 minutes.

Add remaining sugar. Simmer approximately an hour and a half.

Meanwhile, sanitize your canning equipment. Pre-wash all jars, lids, and bands with antibacterial dish soap and water. Fill a pot with enough water to completely submerge your jars. Bring to a boil over medium-high and place jars, lids, and bands gently in the boiling water for five minutes or more. For the last minute or so, lower the end of a pair of tongs into the boiling water. When time is up, use the sanitized tongs to remove each piece from the pot and place it on a clean towel.

Spoon jam into the jars while still hot. Wipe anything that spills over the edge with a clean damp towel. Put on the lids and secure with the bands.

Lower jars gently back into the boiling water. Boil for ten minutes, then remove carefully with the tongs and place back on the towel. (The towel is there as a buffer between the hot jar and the cold countertop, a trick I learned from Alton Brown via a recommendation from Peas Love Carrots. This helps prevent spontaneous shattering). A couple hours later, check the tops to be sure they have sealed. If the button doesn't bounce back when you push it, hooray! Your jam will keep in the same condition for about a year. This recipe makes about a dozen 8-oz jars.

I had a jar left over for myself and my husband. Before I left to visit family on Christmas Eve, I had some for breakfast over toast and melted havarti. Yum! A little too sweet, but overall... yum!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Bruschette Three Ways

My mom gave us some lovely garden-fresh produce to bring home following her boat parade party. You don't see tomatoes on this blog too often unless they've been pulverized into a sauce or soup, and the reason for that is because my husband is an extraterrestrial of some kind and dislikes un-pulverized tomatoes. But this time, I couldn't resist leaving them in their original un-pulverized form. I mean, look at them! Aren't they gorgeous?

They're not gorgeous? How can you say something like... Oh, you must be looking at the weird excuse for an eggplant that she so cleverly sneaked into my doggie bag. (Just kidding, I agreed to take it. There will always be a special place in my heart for misshapen orphaned vegetables that nobody loves!)

Other gifted items included dinner rolls and a chocolate bell pepper. I had herbs and cheese in the house, so my mind jumped straight to bruschette. But because of my husband's tomato handicap, I decided to make two different kinds. And because there were two types of rolls, I ultimately ended up with three different kinds.

I won't bore you with recipes, since I made them all the same way, and there was only slight variation among the ingredients. While pre-roasting the eggplant and bell pepper, I sliced all the dinner rolls (some white, some pumpernickel) thinly and sprinkled on some grated cheese. I used parm for the white ones, mild cheddar for the pumpernickel ones; but I imagine you could do this with an infinite number of different cheeses. Then I used the vegetables and herbs in varying combos and popped each batch into the toaster oven at 350 for five minutes.

Long story short, I ended up with the following combos:

1. White bread, parm, roasted eggplant, roasted bell pepper, herbs

2. White bread, parm, chopped tomatoes, herbs

3. Pumpernickel bread, mild cheddar, roasted eggplant, roasted bell pepper

I tossed the eggplant and bell pepper with olive oil, salt, and black pepper before roasting. In fact, the first bite of eggplant I got was covered in black pepper, and the way my mouth recoiled I thought it might be tannic. After I had chewed a split second longer, I realized this wasn't the case, but I still thought the eggplant might have bred with a hot pepper or something. Eggplants and peppers are in the same family, so considering how ugly the the little guy was before cooking, you can see how I might have jumped to this conclusion. I even went so far as to call my mom and ask if that could have happened, like if she'd planted the eggplants and hot peppers next to one another or something. It took me until my next bite to learn that I just hadn't stirred well enough.

In any case, the rest of the roasted veggies were very enjoyable, if a bit lacking in the black pepper department. My husband and I ate our bruschette with green salads, which made for a welcomed light lunch after a night of stuffing ourselves at the boat parade party.

Off to Harvill's! Got a lot of work to do in the kitchen before a string of Christmases is to commence. I'm grateful to have so many loving family members within a couple hours' drive, but I am able neither to host nor to buy gifts for everyone this year, which means I must contribute a mutant amount of cooking, baking, and canning instead.

Hope to find time to post again soon. After the holidays, stuff should pretty much go back to normal. This means you'll start seeing Chickenless Cooks of the Week again. What interactive activities would you enjoy? Do you guys want to do another TV Dinner or Baffling Ingredient? Would you like to see something new? Let me know!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Latkes at a Christmas Party

Actually, my mother considers it more of a "Winter Solstice Party." Whatever you choose to call it, it's the party she has every year when the boat parade goes by her lakefront house, and everyone stands down on the dock waving and shouting, "Merry Christmas!"

Do I have pictures of said boat parade, you might ask? Heavens no. Do I have pictures of the latkes I brought to wish everyone a Happy Whatever the Heck It Is You Celebrate? Yey-ah! (Ironically they were a little late if you celebrate Hanukkah.)

I got this recipe off the incredible blog Las Vegas Food Adventures. Yeah, I know, you're waitin' for it... "What did she change?" Well, this time, it was nothing. Nada. Not a single...

AAAAAAAUGH!! I can't take the LIES!!! I used olive oil instead of vegetable, damn it!!!!!!! Are you satisfied?????!!!!!

Well, if so, you oughtn't to be. Because they turned out looking like horrid gray blobs instead of the pristine brown beauties in the original picture. Did they taste great? Sure. Did they go over well at the party? Definitely, but only because there was such dim lighting that I didn't get any decent pics of the final product until we had them for breakfast the next morning:

Awwwwwww, yuck, gross! What is that gray blob on the plate next to my mom's beautiful fruit salad? Did someone hock a... or cough up a... oh, wait, no, that's just my dumb ass using olive oil. Okay, phew. Thought that might actually have been cat barf there for a sec.

To make it crystal clear, this was no fault at all of the original recipe's. They would have been perfect if I had followed along verbatim. But the only oil I keep on hand in large quantities is olive. So my mom's party mood lighting is practically a Christmas miracle in my opinion. It allowed me to rake in the compliments that Las Vegas Food Adventures so deserves for this tasty Jewish-inspired dish.

Happy Hanu-kwan-rama-solst-mas! (Please let me know if I'm forgetting anyone, and I will make an addendum.)

P.S. If you had to pick one type of oil to keep in your house, which would you go with?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.