The Chickenless Kitchen

Ubergrun Chili

2010-01-27T13:58:00.007-05:00

One thing I love about the German language (and subsequently the English language, though we don't do it nearly so much these days) is that new words are incorporated all the time just by smashing some together that already exist. Here I've used the adjective "ubergrun" to mean "intensely green," referring to the fact that five out of the seven whole food ingredients in this chili are of that persuasion.

While fighting off the cat in order to lick my bowl clean, I was uberpissed to learn from my husband- the Orlando Weekly's calendar editor and social butterfly extraordinaire- that there will be a chili cook-off this weekend. Why pissed? Because just when I finally invent a chili I'm proud of, and just when a chili cook-off finally happens in my neck of the woods... we won't be in town. On Friday, we hop a plane to Colorado and pay an off-season visit to some of the farms at which we've applied to intern. (That, or sit around in the airport all weekend waiting for a plane that's been delayed by an uberblizzard up in Denver.)

Joking aside, I'm ecstatic about this trip! If you'd like to read about the places we'll be touring, please pop on over to Doveland Farm and peruse some of my husband's recent posts.

I know, I know... enough with the blog plugging already. Bring on the uberdelicious chili recipe!

Ubergrun, Uberdelicious, Geez-I'd-Better-Stop-Saying-Uber-Before-I-Offend-a-Real-German Chili

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 yellow onion, diced large

1 stalk celery, sliced

1 Anaheim chile pepper, diced small

2 large cloves of garlic (or 3-4 non-ubercloves as pictured... gah, there's just so many appropriate places to say uber!), chopped

3 tsp. dried cumin

1 3/4 c. broccoli florets

1/2 c. cilantro leaves, chopped

Salt 'n' pepper to taste

1 1/4 c. black beans, cooked

2 Tbsp. sherry vinegar

3 medium to large green tomatoes, diced (approximately... I used two big ones from the farmer's market and five little ones my mom gave me from her garden)

2 tsp. orange blossom honey

Directions

Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan on medium-high. Add the onion, celery, chile, garlic, and cumin. Saute 2 minutes.

Add the broccoli florets and saute a few minutes more, until the onion is translucent and the broccoli is tender.

Add the cilantro, salt, and pepper; seasoning to your preference as if you intend to eat it as is. (Yes, there are still some ingredients to add, but when the water contained in the vegetables evaporates, you will be left with perfectly salted chili). Saute one minute more, then stir in the black beans.

Pour in the sherry vinegar and deglaze the pan.

Stir in the tomatoes, reduce the heat to medium-low, and cover the pan. Simmer 40 minutes. Add the honey and taste one more time to see if you need any more salt. Simmer, covered, 10 minutes more. Serves 3-4 (number of servings can be augmented to a solid 4 if you ladle it over rice, potatoes, cornbread, meat, etc.)

Don't get me wrong, the flavor of this chili was amazing; but in case you hadn't noticed, it's quite mild. I got an ubercramp in my wrist from shaking hot sauce into my portion. If I were to enter it in the cook-off, I would add a couple jalapenos for heat.

Okay, gonna stop saying uber now...

Dang, just said it again.

Okay... NOW!

Addendum: Huh, looking back on this, I'm not sure what all I'm counting as a "whole food" ingredient here... I didn't count my black beans because they came from a can, but there were no salt or preservatives added, so... meh? What do you guys count as whole food?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Renaissance Cook Challenge: A Three-Course Meal Inspired by Three Dynamite Ladies

2010-01-26T09:51:00.025-05:00

Last night I completed my own entry for the Renaissance Cook Challenge. I had originally planned to base each course of the meal on a cherished piece from my own wardrobe, but then thought hey, why not spread a little love and plug some dynamite style bloggers instead?

The appetizer course was based on this post by Jessica Schroeder of What I Wore. Jessica's style appeals to me because, well... she IS me. She's in her mid-twenties (check), loves vintage clothing (check), believes that personal style should not be wholly governed by trends (check- check), and believes that one need not be uber-wealthy to be uber-classy (check-check-double-check). She suggested I invent "something spicy" based on the outfit pictured. I was happy to oblige, as it's one of my favorite combos of hers.

Roasted Tomato Salsa

Inspired by Jessica Schroeder

Ingredients

1 large tomato, cut in half

2 thick slices of onion

Salt, black pepper, and dried cayenne pepper to taste

1 head garlic

2 Tbsp. olive oil

Juice of 1/2 a lime

1/2 c. cilantro leaves

Splash sherry vinegar

Directions

Heat the oven to 425.

Season the tomato halves and onion slices with salt, pepper, and cayenne. Peel the outer layer of skin from the garlic, leaving the cloves attached to the head. Arrange the tomato, onion, and garlic in a roasting pan and drizzle the olive oil over. Roast 30 minutes.

Remove pan from oven and allow to cool. Transfer the tomato and onion to a food processor or paddle blender. Add the pulp from the garlic cloves, discarding the skin. Add the lime juice, cilantro, and vinegar.

Pulse on medium speed about 3-5 times, or until the salsa has reached its desired chunkiness. Scrape the salsa into a container with a lid, seal tightly, and chill. I made mine a day in advance so that the flavors would have plenty of time to get to know one another, but a couple hours' chilling time would suffice. Serves 6-8 as an appetizer.

My entree took its color cues from this "costume of the day" posted by Kelly Framel, aka The Glamourai. When she's not working her day job as a stylist, Kelly breathes new life into vintage jewelry, which you can find for sale at Shrimpton Couture and The Glamporium. She did not have any special requests as far as what dish I made in honor of her, so I picked an outfit I loved and carried on with the Southwest-ish culinary theme.

Pork Loin Spirals With Corn and Black Beans

Inspired by Kelly Framel

Ingredients

1 c. black beans, cooked

1 c. corn, fresh shucked or thawed frozen

1/4 c. olive oil, plus extra to baste

2 Tbsp. sherry vinegar, plus extra to de-glaze

1 Tbsp. cumin

1 tsp. dijon mustard

1/4 tsp. salt, plus extra to season the meat

1/4 tsp. pepper, plus extra to season the meat

6 large garlic cloves, minced

Zest of 2 lemons, grated or minced

Juice of 1/2 lemon

4 inches fresh ginger, grated

2 pork tenderloin fillets, weighing about 1 1/4 lbs each

1/2 c. Manchego cheese, diced small

Directions

Mix all ingredients except the pork loin and Manchego in a container with a lid. Store in the fridge to marinate for 8-48 hours, stirring periodically.

Around the same time you assemble the filling, cut into each pork loin lengthwise. Stop at least 1/4" short of cutting it in half. Make another incision from the center moving outward. Again, do not cut all the way through. Unfold. Each loin should now be about 4 times its original width.

Spread the meat on a hearty surface that can take a good pounding. Cover it in plastic wrap and bang it with a mallet until it's good and flat. Season with salt and pepper. Store in the fridge until ready to cook.

Heat the oven to 400.

Saute the marinated filling over medium heat until the garlic grows soft and flavors the other components. Deglaze with additional sherry vinegar if necessary. This will take about 5-7 minutes, but if you were a chickenless cook, you would taste as you go ;)

Spread the pork flat in an oiled baking pan. Allow the filling to cool a few minutes, then divide it evenly between the two fillets and spread it over, leaving a border of 3/4" to 1". Sprinkle on the cheese. Roll the loins up lengthwise and secure with 6 or more pieces of kitchen twine each. Baste each loin with a bit of olive oil. Roast about 1 hour. Remove the twine and cut into rounds from top to bottom. Serves 6-8.

Dessert was inspired by this frock posted by Fleur de Guerre of Diary of a Vintage Girl. She, like Kelly, gave me free reign to choose from her oodles of fabulous photos. I imagine this one wouldn't have been her first pick; she's a self-described "part-time pinup girl and full-time Forties enthusiast," and this look is more 50s. But I'm sure she'll approve of the azure after-dinner cocktails I served in her honor.

Blue Hawaiian Pina Coladas

Inspired by Fleur de Guerre

Ingredients (Alcoholic Version)

4 oz. rum

2 oz. blue curacao

6 oz. unsweetened coconut milk

1 c. fresh pineapple chunks

1 1/2 Tbsp. sugar or simple syrup

10 ice cubes

Ingredients (Kid-Friendly Version)

6 oz. whole milk

6 oz. unsweetened coconut milk

1 c. fresh pineapple chunks

2 Tbsp. sugar or simple syrup

A few drops blue food coloring

10 ice cubes

Directions

Place all ingredients in a blender and run on high until smooth. Serves 4 (or 2 double-tall as pictured).

Thanks to everyone who participated in this challenge! If you haven't participated yet and you live on my side of the globe, it's not too late. Your time isn't up until the day is over...

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Cake Enthusiast Dave Spencer Takes the Renaissance Cook Challenge

2010-01-21T14:39:00.008-05:00

If you have been reading along with me for awhile, you may remember Dave Spencer as one of my Chickenless Cooks of the Week (a feature I have since discontinued, as it seemed to spotlight fantastic accomplishments without inspiring the "real" people who read my blog). Dave has stepped up to my Renaissance Cook Challenge by posting this hilarious podcast, starring his adorable family of superheroes! I could not be more tickled.

Remember, the deadline for this challenge is Tuesday the 26th- less than a week away. So what's YOUR other hobby? Remember to leave a comment or write dontbeawuss@gmail.com so I don't accidentally miss your post.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Sweet Lentils Three Ways

2010-01-21T11:53:00.005-05:00

From top: Curry Spiced Lentil Salad With Coconut, Lentil Cookies, Sweet 'n' Sour Lentil Stew With Poached Kumquats

In less than two weeks' time, I served uncommonly sweet lentils three ways... four if you want to count the Pineapple Crisp (I don't, given that it was a quick fix for Lentil Cookies gone awry). And the kicker is, I didn't realize I'd done it until this morning as I was reading back over my posts. Great inspiration if you happen to be as short on funds as I am, huh? Who needs three different sources of protein to keep meals interesting?

I pondered the phenomenon and came up with the following advice for repeating a culinary theme several times within a short duration.

1) If two ingredients pair commonly, such as lentils and rice, banish one of them for at least two out of three dishes.

2) Consider that you have a wide range of different courses to work with... appetizer, entree, dessert... One doesn't often put lentils in cookies, but hey, it worked (kinda).

3) Think different times of day. For example, I had my salad for lunch and my stew for dinner.

4) Alter your serving temperatures. The central ingredient should be flexible enough to eat hot, chilled, or at room temp.

5) Attempt different textures in each dish. Lentils are easy to mask, transitioning stealthily from a crunchy salad to a chewy cookie to a smooth stew; but you can even do this with a not-so-subtle ingredient like pork. Serve it grilled one night; braised, shredded, and wrapped in tortillas the next.

Have you ever repeated a culinary theme subconsciously? If so, what kept said theme so fresh?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Technology Doesn't Love Me

2010-01-19T14:25:00.004-05:00

As of today, The Chickenless Kitchen has 50 followers, which I am super psyched about!! I feel lucky to have so many readers who share my weird sense of humor and yet-weirder taste. Thank you all for visiting, and I look forward to sharing much more with you in the future.

While I'm on the subject of followers and such...

Technology doesn't love me as much as you guys apparently do (look at my blog template- just LOOK at it), but despite my dinosauristic tendencies, I have gotten around to some social networking recently:

1) You may now become a fan of The Chickenless Kitchen on Facebook

2) You may now follow @Chickenless on Twitter

3) You may now bookmark my recipes on Delicious by clicking the nifty icon that appears at the end

Last but ABSOLUTELY not least, thanks again to Cajun Chef Ryan, who recently granted me the privilege of a guest post on his tasty-tastic blog!

Now if I could pick all your brains for just a moment... What do you like about The Chickenless Kitchen so far? What could I improve? Please feel free to leave a comment or write dontbeawuss@gmail.com. Again, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedules to visit my little blog!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Got Leftover Kumquats?

2010-01-19T11:01:00.006-05:00

If not, that's all right- this recipe begs for substitutions. Try using different types of onions, different types of rice, a different lager, fennel in place of celery, or orange slices with their juice in place of kumquats with their poaching liquid.

Sweet 'n' Sour Lentil Stew With Poached Kumquats

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 onion, diced large

2 cloves garlic, sliced

2 carrots, sliced

1 stalk celery, sliced

2 tsp. cumin

1 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. black pepper

Dried cayenne pepper to taste

1/2 c. fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

1 tsp. salt, divided

2 1/2 c. vegetable broth

1/2 c. Yuengling Lager

1 c. preserved tomatoes, diced (I really have got to get Pomi to advertise with me)

2 tsp. tomato paste

3/4 c. lentils, cooked

3/4 c. rice, cooked

1/2 of a poblano pepper; roasted, peeled, and chopped

1 c. poached kumquats

2 Tbsp. kumquat poaching liquid

Juice of 1/4 lemon

Directions

In a stew pot, heat the olive oil over medium-high. Add the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, cumin, cinnamon, black pepper, and cayenne pepper. Saute until the onions are translucent, about five minutes.

Add the cilantro and 1/2 tsp. of the salt. Saute one minute more.

Add the broth, beer, preserved tomatoes, and tomato paste. De-glaze the pot. Bring contents to a boil, then reduce heat and let simmer over medium-low for 15 minutes.

Add the lentils, rice, poblano pepper, kumquats, poaching liquid, and remaining salt. Simmer 15 minutes more. Remove from heat and stir in the lemon juice. Serves 4.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Kumquat Shortcake

2010-01-18T14:54:00.006-05:00

Last night, friends treated my husband and me to a smashing roast chicken dinner (thanks again, Paul and Alice!) I volunteered to bring dessert. In recent weeks, I've had a hankering for something fruity and chile-influenced, which led me to poach these kumquats with a poblano pepper and serve them over a Sara Lee pound cake.

Oh, all right, you caught me.

The Sara Lee pound cake was a last-minute save. Anti-corporate control freak that I am, I made a batch of biscuits; but for some reason they came out tasting like bitterness incarnate. Will have to play around with that recipe for a bit and post it at a later date.

These kumquats, on the other hand, are to die for. Their tart-and-sweet flavor meshed excellently with the cinnamon, cloves, and chile.

Poached Kumquats With Poblano

Ingredients

2 pints kumquats

1/2 a poblano pepper

2 c. water

2/3 c. orange blossom honey

2/3 c. granulated sugar

3/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/8 tsp. ground cloves

Directions

Heat your broiler to the highest setting. Meanwhile, cut the kumquats into thirds horizontally (yes, you have to de-seed them, which is a pain; but it's not necessary to peel them.)

Place the pepper skin-side-up on an oiled baking sheet. Broil about five minutes, or until the skin is wrinkly and partially black on top. Remove and let cool. Peel off the skin.

Combine the water, honey, sugar, cinnamon, and cloves in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the kumquats and poblano, then reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer 20 minutes.

Remove the pan from the heat and let cool. Fish out the poblano, drain so that the poaching liquid runs back into the pan, and chop. Store the chopped poblano in a small container with a couple spoonfuls of poaching liquid to cover. Store the kumquats separately in the rest of the liquid. To serve, spoon the kumquats over any of the following (or something else that I haven't thought of):

Ice Cream

Cake

Biscuits

Sweet Cornbread

Corn Pudding

Bread Pudding

Fruit Salad

Pancakes

Crepes

Waffles

Garnish with the chopped poblano. (Optional: Beat 2 Tbsp. of poaching liquid from the kumquats with 1 c. heavy whipping cream.) Serves 4-5.

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Broccoli Salad With Golden Raisins, Olives, and Pickled Mirepoix Relish

2010-01-15T16:03:00.008-05:00

My leftover steamed broccoli inevitably ends up in a cold dish, as reheating can make it mushy. I had tossed these little trees with salt, pepper, olive oil, and lemon juice during their first lives; so to dress the salad, all I used was a bit of additional olive oil.

Mirepoix refers to the French holy trinity of cuisine: onions, carrots, and celery. Tradition calls for two parts onion to one part each carrot and celery, a fact that I did not know when I made this pickled version. So if you're a publisher who has decided not to give me a cookbook deal based on that transgression, please keep in mind that, hey, now I know (though if you want an author who knows what the hells she's talking about, you're not the variety of publisher who would have given me a cookbook deal anyway).

Salad isn't the only use for Pickled Mirepoix Relish. You can sprinkle it on deviled eggs, thick soups, hot dogs... Maybe even dessert? Worth a shot. I see Pickled Mirepoix Cookies in my near future.

As mentioned at its first appearance on The Chickenless Kitchen, this brine recipe was adapted from the one for Fresh-Pickled Vegetables on page 220 of Alice Waters' The Art of Simple Food.

Pickled Mirepoix Relish

Ingredients

1/2 c. each carrot, celery, and onion, minced

1 batch of pickling brine, subbing an equal amount of sugar for the acai black currant syrup

Directions

Combine the veggies in a heatproof container. Set aside.

Bring the brine to a boil for five minutes. Pour the brine over the veggies. Strain immediately. Allow to cool, then store in the fridge for at least two hours before using. Makes 1 1/2 cups.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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The Melting Pot Method

2010-01-14T15:31:00.009-05:00

You may have heard of the Clean Out Your Fridge Method: Take all the ingredients you have that are on their last legs and dump them into an egg-based dish.

The Melting Pot Method is a little different. While it can have the side benefit of cleaning out your fridge, the primary focus is getting foods that you associate with varying cultures to jive. This does not necessarily mean you need exotic imported ingredients; for instance, the pineapple in this recipe that I chose to associate with Hawaiian culture was locally grown here in Florida.

What process can you use to employ the Melting Pot Method in your kitchen?

Step #1

Choose from the variety of existent egg-based dishes. These include quiches, omelettes, frittatas, tortillas, skillets/scrambles, souffles... the list goes on. For this recipe, I started with the idea of making my egg-based dish a tortilla, which is Spanish in origin.

Step #2

Pick another region and choose two ingredients that could be associated with that region's cuisine. They don't have to be exclusive; for instance, I could associate "eggplant and onions" with pretty much anywhere bordering the Mediterranean.

Step #3... Here's the trick:

After you've come up with two ingredients other than eggs and the culture they represent in your recipe, put a twist on one of them. I chose a pig-and-pineapple combo that I associate with Hawaiian cuisine; but for my pig, I used Genoa salami rather than the traditional spit-roasted pork or... well, Spam. Going back to the eggplant-and-onion idea, let's say you choose to associate that with Italy. But if you use scallions instead of white onions, suddenly it's no longer strictly Italian-influenced. Get the idea?

Step #4

Add a coupla-few more ingredients based on the cultures you already have. At this juncture I added potatoes and onions, both of which appear frequently in traditional Spanish tortillas; and Parmesan cheese (Italian).

Step #5

Think of two more cultures that you haven't incorporated so far. My next idea was to add extra eggs for a thicker layer, bringing to mind a crustless version of the French quiche even as I steadfastly refused to call it a crustless quiche. And finally I threw in some pepper jack cheese to honor the good old U.S. of A.

See? Nothing to it. All you need are some good free association skills and enough self-respect to stay your hand when you're about to come up with something school-cafeteria-esque.

The Chickenless Chick's Melting Pot Tortilla

Ingredients

5 eggs

1/3 c. pepper jack cheese, cubed

1/4 c. Parmesan cheese, grated

1/4 c. water

6 slices cold cut Genoa salami, shredded

1 Tbsp. olive oil

1/2 white onion, sliced thin

1 russet potato, sliced thin

1 tsp. dried thyme leaves

1/2 c. pineapple, chopped

1/2 c. fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

Salt 'n' pepper to taste

Instructions

Heat the oven to 375.

Beat the eggs, cheeses, water, and salami together in a large mixing bowl. Set aside.

Heat the oil in a saute pan over medium high. Add the onions and saute two minutes. Add the potatoes and thyme leaves. Saute until the potatoes are soft, but not falling apart.

Add the pineapple, cilantro, salt, and pepper to the pan. Saute one minute more.

Add the contents of the pan to the egg mixture and stir well to incorporate. Pour into a greased 9" pie tin.

Bake at 375 for thirty minutes or until barely browned on top. Serves 6.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Renaissance Cook Challenge

2010-01-12T11:05:00.007-05:00

Don't get me wrong, cooking is the spin on my world. But I do have other hobbies. For instance, I unabashedly bookmark style blogs (yes, those folks who take pictures of what they're wearing every day) and am quite the amateur stylist myself. If I had a walk-in closet, I would easily spend as much time there as in the kitchen. Before my husband and I arranged to spend this June through December clad in our unglamorous farming duds, I was even planning to start another blog called The Chickenless Wardrobe.

Now that you know my other hobby, I want to know yours. In the interest of well-roundedness, I hereby present to you my first Renaissance Cook Challenge!

Step #1

Pick a hobby other than cooking.

Step #2

Invent a dish inspired by said hobby. It can be a direct interpretation (example: frosting a cake to look like a soccer ball), or a loose one (example: arranging a dessert tray with all black-and-white foods).

Step #3

Post the results on your blog if you have one, or send pics to dontbeawuss@gmail.com so I can share them here.

The deadline for the Renaissance Cook Challenge will be Tuesday, January 26th. That gives you two weeks to pick a hobby and make your dish.

Have at it! Please feel free to post any questions you may have in the comments.

Addendum: My sharp-minded Foodbuzz buddy Ryan has brought up an excellent question: Are you allowed to re-post about foods you've already cooked? Sorry guys, but this is The Chickenless Kitchen. The point of my challenges is to expand your culinary horizons. So I'm going to have to be a big jerk and say no to that one. However, you may create a different dish inspired by the same hobby. Thanks for the question, Ryan!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Pineapple Crisp With Lentil Cookie Topping

2010-01-10T18:40:00.009-05:00

I admit it: I've led you astray. Turns out those lentil cookies I told you about don't store well at all. The lentils in mine dried out forty-eight hours after they left the oven, and I imagine that in drier climates (read: anywhere but Florida) their lifespan would be even shorter.

I advise that you either make these treats in small batches only or have some other use in mind. Since crisp topping is supposed to be crunchy anyway, I opted to crumble up my dried-out cookies, sprinkle them over a pan of juicy seasonal fruit, and bake. Dessert doesn't get any easier or tastier than this.

Pineapple Crisp

Ingredients

1 1/2 pineapples, cut into chunks

1 Tbsp. flour

8-10 lentil cookies, crumbled

Directions

Heat the oven to 375.

Mix the pineapple chunks and flour. Put them in a 10" pie pan (bet you're jealous of the adorable one that my mom got me for Christmas).

Bake the pineapple chunks on their own for 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and sprinkle the cookie topping over. Bake until sufficiently browned on top, about 20-30 minutes more. If the topping browns too much before the pineapple is soft, cover with a sheet of foil for the remainder of the cooking time. Serves 6.

I attempted to make pineapple whipped cream, but it came out tasting an awful lot like regular whipped cream. In case you want to play around with the recipe, here it is. By all means, please contact me if you find a better way!

Pineapple Whipped Cream

Ingredients

3/4 c. heavy whipping cream

2 Tbsp. pineapple juice

1 Tbsp. sugar

Directions

Whisk or beat all ingredients with an electric mixer until stiff. Makes about 1 1/2 c. whipped cream.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

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Lentil Cookies

2010-01-09T08:49:00.004-05:00

You probably get bombarded with lies on this subject every day: "Don't worry, it's healthy but you still feel satisfied." "Tastes just like the real thing!" "Your kids will never know the difference if you substitute spinach for sugar." But the fact is, most diet desserts suck. And they will ultimately lead to a breakdown during which you will shovel too many un-diet desserts into your deprived piehole at one sitting.

All that said, PLEASE GIVE THESE COOKIES A CHANCE.

I know they sound like the Valium-fueled concoction of a 1970s ex-hippie supermom, but THEY REALLY DO TASTE GOOD. And if you are among my many vegetarian readers, you're sure to appreciate the extra protein that comes from combining lentils with oatmeal.

I adapted this recipe from the one underneath the lid of the Quaker Oats canister. The original is called Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, a longtime favorite in my house. In addition to subbing lentils for 1/3 of the oats, I threw in some dried ginger and cloves, which I thought would complement the other flavors nicely and help disguise the lentils. And of course, you can use anything you'd like in place of the raisins. This time I went half and half with golden raisins and chocolate chips. On my list to try are dried apricot chunks, dried cranberries, dried blueberries, and candied ginger (preferably chocolate-covered).

Lentil Cookies

Ingredients

2 sticks butter (salted if desired), softened

1 c. firmly packed brown sugar

1/2 c. granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

1 1/2 c. all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. dried ginger

1/8 tsp. dried cloves

1/2 tsp salt

2 c. oats (I used Quaker)

1 c. cooked lentils

1/2 c. chocolate chips

1/2 c. golden raisins

Directions

Heat the oven to 350.

Beat butter, sugars, eggs, and vanilla in a mixing bowl.

Combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and salt in a separate bowl, then incorporate this mixture into the wet ingredients.

Stir in oats and lentils.

Stir in chocolate chips and raisins.

Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet.

Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. Makes 4 dozen.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Curry Spiced Lentil Salad With Coconut

2010-01-08T19:42:00.007-05:00

I'm calling this Kelly and Casey's Salad, in honor of my good friends who would hate it. Kelly hates peas, Casey hates curry, and I can't imagine I got through composing the rest of the ingredients list without stepping on their picky toes.

Kelly and Casey's Salad

Ingredients

5 carrots, peeled and sliced

3 large boiling potatoes, parboiled and diced large

2/3 c. lentils, cooked until just tender

2/3 c. split peas, cooked cooked until just tender

2/3 c. black olives, chopped

1/3 c. olive oil

Juice of 1/2 a lemon

2 cloves garlic, pressed or minced

1 inch piece of fresh ginger, grated

2 tsp. dried cumin

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. dried turmeric

1/2 tsp. dried coriander

1/4 tsp. dried cardamom

Dried cayenne to taste

1/2 c. chopped fresh cilantro

1/2 c. sweetened coconut flakes

Directions

Mix the carrots, potatoes, lentils, peas, and olives in a large container with a tight-fitting lid.

In a separate bowl, combine all remaining ingredients except for the coconut flakes and whisk together.

Pour the dressing over the salad contents, stir well, and seal the container. Let it marinate in the fridge at least 4 hours (an eight-hour work day is ideal). Thirty minutes before serving, add the coconut flakes and stir again, then leave the container on the counter until its contents are at room temperature. Serves 6-8 as an appetizer or light meal.

I served this salad with homemade pita chips and extra lemon wedges.

As always, I encourage you to play around with the recipe. For a creamy dressing, try adding plain yogurt or coconut milk. If you dislike the taste or texture of coconut, try subbing golden raisins, dates, or apples (fresh or dried).

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Tiger Potatoes

2010-01-07T16:04:00.008-05:00

They were going to be called "Zebra Potatoes" before I ran a Google search to see if anyone else had coined the term. Turns out "Zebra chip" is slang for a pathogen that makes potato chips come out all brown-streaked and weird looking. I opted not to willingly associate a potato-based side dish I'd made with a potato-attacking pathogen. Seemed like it would be both bad luck and a little gross.

You may have run across these Ze... ahem... Tiger Potatoes before. You may even have invented something similar yourself. They're very simple to make, and if anyone in your family prefers white potatoes to sweet, this is a great way to pump a few more vitamins into said heretic.

All you need are a russet potato, a sweet potato, and seasoning/garnish of choice to serve two.

Step #1

Peel your potatoes and cut wedges into the tops, leaving at least 1/4" of flesh in tact along the bottom. Reserve the wedges.

Step #2

Insert wedges into the potato of the opposite color as shown. If they don't quite fit, you can opt to trim them down or widen the crevices.

Step #3

Wrap each potato securely in a paper towel and place right-side-up in your microwave. Microwave on high for three minutes.

Step #4

Let cool a little bit before attempting to remove the paper towel, but don't wait too long or it will stick. Serve them up however you're inclined. I butterflied mine and added butter, salt, pepper, nutmeg, and a bit of fresh dill.

Have you ever made Tiger Potatoes? I imagine I'm not the first, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The only thing missing from mine was big dollops of sour cream. Wish I'd had some in the house.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Comfort Food: What Does That Phrase Mean to You?

2010-01-06T11:42:00.004-05:00

From top: Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream, Chickpea Stew With Dill, Frittata With Meeeeeeat!, Maple Oatmeal Clafouti

I have been sick the past few days. I mean REALLY sick. Went-to-bed-the-night-of-January-third-wrapped-in-four-extra-blankets-and-convinced-I-was-a-Japanese-pastry-chef sick.

What do you crave when you feel this lousy?

For me, the question has to be answered in stages.

Stage #1: Japanese-pastry-chef sick.

Nothing. I'll ask my body, "Hey body, are you hungry?" and it goes, "Not now, kid. I'm tryin to flush out a virus here!" with the surly Jersey repairman accent and everything.

Stage #2: Improved, but still unable to leave the bed.

Something very small and basic, and usually very specific as well. A handful of cherry tomatoes (not sliced regular tomatoes), a piece of a baguette that's been ripped off (not cut... and forget about giving me any other type of bread), a plain Hershey's Kiss (so help you if I find an almond in there!)

Stage #3: Up and about for half an hour before the sinus headache you got from looking at the computer monitor drives you back under the covers.

Takeout. Usually pho or tacos. Don't ask me why tacos... I think it has something to do with the vinegar in the hot sauce. Vinegar in small doses helps the body retain fluids. But I digress.

Stage #4: Take a shower, wash the sheets, and proceed through the rest of the day with relative normality but for a Dayquil-induced haze.

Stuff that Western society actually considers comfort food: Stew, ice cream, cookies, hot tea, etc.

Does anyone else have stages like this? Or do you crave chicken noodle soup the whole time?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Chickenless Inspiration: Shish Kebab

2010-01-05T10:22:00.005-05:00

I know plenty of amazing cooks who are not chickenless at all. And that's fine- the world needs people who can make marinara sauce using a recipe that's been in the family for three generations. There are many ways in which I can't hold a candle to these folks. I've never made bread with yeast in it, I throw all my meat trimmings into the same tupperware container to be simmered in a single unglamorous pot of mystery broth, and I've never served a meal in my home that was intended for more than six people. But if there's one way I kick ass in the kitchen, it's at getting a trillion different variations out of a single recipe. That said, here is my professional opinion: If you ever want to take a couple little baby steps outside the box while maintaining your reputation as a slam-bang chef, shish kebab is the way to do it.

It's easy.

It's fun.

It's food on a stick, people!

And if you needed a meal on the table five minutes ago, you just can't beat broiled shish kebab. You won't get those nifty black grill marks (minor bummer), but you will get equally delicious and healthy fare in much less time. The shish kebab of meatballs, Granny Smith apples, and pre-roasted beets and sweet potatoes pictured above took me about thirty minutes. That includes meat seasoning time, skewer assembly time, cook time, arrangement time, and yes, even picture-taking time.

Here are a few goals to keep in mind that will help stimulate your imagination as you approach the art of kebabing.

Get kids to eat home-cooked meals.

Is there a kid in your family who turns up his nose at anything but Mickey-D's? Roll chunks of white meat chicken in beaten egg, bread crumbs, and salt. Skewer them. Ta-da! Homemade chicken nuggets on a stick. Who's going to reject chicken nuggets on a stick? Nobody, that's who. Maybe your kid prefers hamburgers? Try serving kebabed meatballs with a bun and condiments. Any number of different foods will work. And here's the cool part: You can modify your kiddie shish kebab recipes to get grown-up fare. Using the chicken nuggets example, add dried coconut to the batter. Swap out the ketchup for a sophisticated marmalade dipping sauce, and you've got coconut chicken to complement those pina coladas at your next cocktail party.

Play with colors.

Awhile back I made a rainbow plate; a fun and useful exercise, as my presentation skills are lacking where color is concerned. Whether you share this weakness or have excellent color juxtaposition that you would like to show off, shish kebab is a blank canvas just begging for color play.

In case you've never seen one, here is a color wheel:

Complementary color schemes are composed of opposites or near-opposites on the color wheel. These are your crowd-pleasers. Complementary schemes are attention-grabbing and mouth-watering (red tomatoes on green lettuce, for example). When company calls, try gussying up a drab brown meat, tofu, or tempeh shish kebab with bright fruits and veggies in opposing colors. For example, leave the purple skin on your eggplant; and since you're using purple as your first color, why not go with yellow bell peppers rather than red? For some beautiful examples of complementary color pairing, browse Citron et Vanille.

Analogous color schemes are composed of colors that are very, very similar. They may not even be different colors so much as different shades. A skewer of analogous foods may not have the same Wow! factor as a skewer of complementary ones, but for a low-key gathering or romantic dinner, there is something irresistibly refined about it. Picture a plateful of skewered yellow-green baby artichokes served with sunny-colored hollandaise dipping sauce, for example.

Showcase your favorite local fish, game, or produce.

There are certain people whose ears I can talk clean off about the taste of local versus imported ingredients, and they just don't get it. They think the more exotic the cuisine, the better. If you're a locavore with a garden full of fresh veggies or a river full of fresh fish, there's no better way to convert doubters than to serve them a skewer of the best your area has to offer. No glazes. No dipping sauces. Just a teensy-weensy bit of salt and pepper, maybe some fresh herbs. Let the food do the talking.

Revolutionize breakfast.

Start with a base such as hash browns, crepes, lettuce leaves, or a plain open-faced omelette. Then load your skewers up with chunks of ham or sausage, green peppers, onions, cherry tomatoes, pineapple... whatever you feel like having for breakfast today. Lay the skewers over your base after cooking, serve with appropriate condiments, and enjoy!

Revolutionize dessert.

Many of us cook shish kebab as an entree or appetizer. But about half the trillion variations I've dreamed up can be placed in the dessert category. The following are types of fruit that hold up well on the grill or under the broiler (though bear in mind they will cook quickly; as little as two minutes per side will do the trick in most cases):

Apples

Strawberries

Pineapples

Peaches

Nectarines

Plums

Kiwi

Mango

Star Fruit

Pears

Honeydew

Cantaloupe

Figs

Kumquats

Papaya

... And many more.

Now, let's expand this concept of grilled fruit on a stick! Alternate chunks of fruit with marshmallows, and serve on their own or s'more style with chocolate and graham crackers. You could also serve a skewer of colorful fruits alongside a slice of pound cake or a dish of ice cream. And as far as dipping sauces go, the possibilities are endless. Here are a few suggestions:

Caramel Sauce

Butterscotch

Chocolate Sauce or Fondue

Yogurt

Maple Syrup

Marshmallow Fluff

Peanut Butter Sauce

Simple Syrup

Jam

Baked Brie with Drunken Brown Sugar Sauce

Creme Fraiche

Whipped Cream

Fruit Sauce (boil down fruit juice with sugar until it thickens)

Has this post gotten your creative juices flowing? If so, what kind of shish kebab will you try next? If not, would you like me to spend more time on a particular topic or offer more suggestions? Feel free to comment or send pics of your own kebabed creations to dontbeawuss@gmail.com.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Two Pies!

2009-12-30T15:05:00.010-05:00

I told you about the Christmas presents I made. Now what about the people to whom I brought them?

My husband and I enjoyed a fun but picture-free Christmas Eve at my dad's in Vero Beach. My grandparents on that side are proper to the point where they leave the rum out of the jingle bell punch (everybody's jingle bell punch... not just theirs), and I didn't know how well snapping pictures at the table would go over. So my dad's famous crab au gratin casserole will have to be a story for another day. I exercised the eating muscles plenty and rested up the picture-taking muscles for Christmas Day at my mom's.

Visit her blog if you want to hear her whine about leaving the green beans in the microwave overnight. Stay if you want to hear me rave about what a porktastic, cosmotastic, pietastic meal we were treated to.

Stuffed pork loin for dinner, cosmopolitans with a secret ingredient (she knew I'd suffered through the previous evening booze-free!), and a two-pie breakfast for Boxing Day... how much more completely awesome does it get? TWO PIES, PEOPLE. Quiche and apple-cranberry. COUNT 'EM, TWO!!

Now, as far as what the pork loins were stuffed with... I see she hasn't put either recipe up on her blog. Luckily she gave me a copy of one. It appears to be from page 234 of the December 2009 edition of Cooking Light. The unfortunately punctuated title is, "Fruit and Walnut-Stuffed Pork Loin" [sic]. (Or am I old-fashioned for wanting to add that extra hyphen after the word "Fruit"? Tasty Trix? Copyranter? Someone help me out here.) The other one was stuffed with sun dried tomatoes and gorgonzola, and I'm not sure what else. She made it up herself though, so don't expect to find it anywhere else in the known universe. I'm sure if you pop over to her blog and ask real nice in the comments, she'll let you have the recipe.

Boxing Day was spent as it should be... catching up with old friends. This meant my diet consisted of leftovers and takeout. Nothing exciting.

The 27th was my husband's grandfather's birthday, so my mother-in-law pulled out all the stops and served both lobster tails and beef wellington.

I snapped a picture of my beef after it was cut as well, but standard dinner party lighting rendered my camera fairly useless. Which I'm sorry to report, because that beef wellington was TO DIE FOR. The color, texture... everything was perfect. Oh, well. Sometime when you run a food blog, you have to stop, take a deep breath, and remember that food is fleeting. With cooks like the ones in my family, there will be plenty more pictures to take!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Christmas Presents

2009-12-29T13:33:00.011-05:00

Another year of no money, another year of packaging cheap homemade foods up pretty and calling them gifts. This Christmas it was jam and cookies.

I had made jam before, but never canned it, and was excited to try. This recipe for Florida Citrus Marmalade (see below) was inspired by a recipe for Cranberry Orange Marmalade on page 188 of a Cooking Light holiday edition from November/December 2007. I wanted to see if I could achieve sufficient tartness using grapefruit and key limes instead of cranberries, which aren't native to Florida. In the future I may increase my limeage, but it came out pretty well for a first attempt.

As for the cookies, I made these of the potato chip variety (thanks a million to Brie le Grand Fromage!) and added chocolate chips. I wanted to dip them in chocolate, but there would be days' worth of car travel before many of these packages reached their destinations. As my Florida readers can tell you, the weather fluctuates like mad at this time of year, so I wouldn't want to risk making a melt-prone gift.

Here's what my kitchen looked like while I was making the cookies. Thought you may get a kick out of it:

Florida Citrus Marmalade

Ingredients

8 lbs. navel oranges (about 14 oranges)

2/3 of a ruby red grapefruit

6 key limes

6 c. sugar, divided

3 c. water

Directions

Zest two oranges and two limes. Remove peels from these and all other fruits. Chop the fruit and remove all seeds.

Combine chopped fruit and zest in a large saucepan with water and 2 cups of the sugar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low and simmer 15 minutes.

Add remaining sugar. Simmer approximately an hour and a half.

Meanwhile, sanitize your canning equipment. Pre-wash all jars, lids, and bands with antibacterial dish soap and water. Fill a pot with enough water to completely submerge your jars. Bring to a boil over medium-high and place jars, lids, and bands gently in the boiling water for five minutes or more. For the last minute or so, lower the end of a pair of tongs into the boiling water. When time is up, use the sanitized tongs to remove each piece from the pot and place it on a clean towel.

Spoon jam into the jars while still hot. Wipe anything that spills over the edge with a clean damp towel. Put on the lids and secure with the bands.

Lower jars gently back into the boiling water. Boil for ten minutes, then remove carefully with the tongs and place back on the towel. (The towel is there as a buffer between the hot jar and the cold countertop, a trick I learned from Alton Brown via a recommendation from Peas Love Carrots. This helps prevent spontaneous shattering). A couple hours later, check the tops to be sure they have sealed. If the button doesn't bounce back when you push it, hooray! Your jam will keep in the same condition for about a year. This recipe makes about a dozen 8-oz jars.

I had a jar left over for myself and my husband. Before I left to visit family on Christmas Eve, I had some for breakfast over toast and melted havarti. Yum! A little too sweet, but overall... yum!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Chicken Thighs Stewed With Radish and Arugula

2009-12-29T12:23:00.005-05:00

I have often wondered what stewed radish would taste like. A couple days before Christmas, I finally got around to it. Looking back, this recipe probably would have tasted better with white meat, but dark did the job.

Actually, "did the job" may not be the right phrase. My husband flipped out and said it was one of his favorite dishes I've ever made.

Now before you go adding radishes and arugula to all your stews, I doubt I have them to thank for the meal's success. Neither one tasted like much once it had been simmering for awhile. More likely I owe a debt of gratitude to my old humble friend garlic. I used more than my usual 2-3 cloves, which is something I'd definitely do again.

Chicken Thighs Stewed With Radish and Arugula

Ingredients

4 chicken thighs with skin

Salt and pepper to taste

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 onion, sliced thin or diced large

1 c. radishes, sliced

1 carrot, sliced

5 cloves garlic, sliced thin

Splash Balsamic vinegar

1 Tbsp. fresh mixed herbs (I used flat-leaf parsley and oregano, but any herbs you might associate with traditional Southern Italian cuisine would do the trick)

2 tsp. dried mix herbs (I used marjoram, thyme, and more oregano... note that you can use more fresh herbs here instead; I just ran out)

Salt and pepper to taste

1 c. diced canned/packaged tomatoes (say it with me... "If you don't can your own, I recommend Pomi")

2 c. chicken broth

2 c. well-packed arugula

1 Tbsp. lemon juice

Directions

Season the meat with salt and pepper. Loosen the skin and get underneath if you can do this without ripping it.

Heat the olive oil in a stew pot over medium. Brown the chicken thighs for 10-12 minutes on the skin side; 5 minutes on the skinless side. Remove the chicken from the pot and place it in a covered dish. Alternatively, plate it and cover it with another plate to trap the heat. (Optional: Bellow, "Bwah-ha-ha-ha, heat, there's no escape for you now!")

Add the onion, radishes, carrot, and garlic to the pot and saute for 4-5 minutes. Splash on the vinegar and deglaze the pan. Add the herbs, salt, and pepper and continue sauteing until the onion is completely limp and translucent.

Arrange the chicken thighs over the veggies in the pot.

In a separate saucepan, combine the tomatoes and the broth. Stir well, then pour the mixture over the chicken and veggies. Bring the contents of the pot to a boil, then reduce the heat to medium-low. Cover and simmer 45 minutes.

Remove cover and add arugula and lemon juice. Push the arugula down into the liquid-filled spaces between the chicken using a long utensil such as a wooden spoon or a spatula. Re-cover and simmer 15 minutes more. Distribute the chicken pieces among four serving bowls and ladle the liquid over. Optional: Put bread, rice, or mashed potatoes in the bottoms of the bowls; or prepare a warm bread basket to pass around. Serves 4.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Bruschette Three Ways

2009-12-22T09:37:00.008-05:00

My mom gave us some lovely garden-fresh produce to bring home following her boat parade party. You don't see tomatoes on this blog too often unless they've been pulverized into a sauce or soup, and the reason for that is because my husband is an extraterrestrial of some kind and dislikes un-pulverized tomatoes. But this time, I couldn't resist leaving them in their original un-pulverized form. I mean, look at them! Aren't they gorgeous?

They're not gorgeous? How can you say something like... Oh, you must be looking at the weird excuse for an eggplant that she so cleverly sneaked into my doggie bag. (Just kidding, I agreed to take it. There will always be a special place in my heart for misshapen orphaned vegetables that nobody loves!)

Other gifted items included dinner rolls and a chocolate bell pepper. I had herbs and cheese in the house, so my mind jumped straight to bruschette. But because of my husband's tomato handicap, I decided to make two different kinds. And because there were two types of rolls, I ultimately ended up with three different kinds.

I won't bore you with recipes, since I made them all the same way, and there was only slight variation among the ingredients. While pre-roasting the eggplant and bell pepper, I sliced all the dinner rolls (some white, some pumpernickel) thinly and sprinkled on some grated cheese. I used parm for the white ones, mild cheddar for the pumpernickel ones; but I imagine you could do this with an infinite number of different cheeses. Then I used the vegetables and herbs in varying combos and popped each batch into the toaster oven at 350 for five minutes.

Long story short, I ended up with the following combos:

1. White bread, parm, roasted eggplant, roasted bell pepper, herbs

2. White bread, parm, chopped tomatoes, herbs

3. Pumpernickel bread, mild cheddar, roasted eggplant, roasted bell pepper

I tossed the eggplant and bell pepper with olive oil, salt, and black pepper before roasting. In fact, the first bite of eggplant I got was covered in black pepper, and the way my mouth recoiled I thought it might be tannic. After I had chewed a split second longer, I realized this wasn't the case, but I still thought the eggplant might have bred with a hot pepper or something. Eggplants and peppers are in the same family, so considering how ugly the the little guy was before cooking, you can see how I might have jumped to this conclusion. I even went so far as to call my mom and ask if that could have happened, like if she'd planted the eggplants and hot peppers next to one another or something. It took me until my next bite to learn that I just hadn't stirred well enough.

In any case, the rest of the roasted veggies were very enjoyable, if a bit lacking in the black pepper department. My husband and I ate our bruschette with green salads, which made for a welcomed light lunch after a night of stuffing ourselves at the boat parade party.

Off to Harvill's! Got a lot of work to do in the kitchen before a string of Christmases is to commence. I'm grateful to have so many loving family members within a couple hours' drive, but I am able neither to host nor to buy gifts for everyone this year, which means I must contribute a mutant amount of cooking, baking, and canning instead.

Hope to find time to post again soon. After the holidays, stuff should pretty much go back to normal. This means you'll start seeing Chickenless Cooks of the Week again. What interactive activities would you enjoy? Do you guys want to do another TV Dinner or Baffling Ingredient? Would you like to see something new? Let me know!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Latkes at a Christmas Party

2009-12-20T14:32:00.008-05:00

Actually, my mother considers it more of a "Winter Solstice Party." Whatever you choose to call it, it's the party she has every year when the boat parade goes by her lakefront house, and everyone stands down on the dock waving and shouting, "Merry Christmas!"

Do I have pictures of said boat parade, you might ask? Heavens no. Do I have pictures of the latkes I brought to wish everyone a Happy Whatever the Heck It Is You Celebrate? Yey-ah! (Ironically they were a little late if you celebrate Hanukkah.)

I got this recipe off the incredible blog Las Vegas Food Adventures. Yeah, I know, you're waitin' for it... "What did she change?" Well, this time, it was nothing. Nada. Not a single...

AAAAAAAUGH!! I can't take the LIES!!! I used olive oil instead of vegetable, damn it!!!!!!! Are you satisfied?????!!!!!

Well, if so, you oughtn't to be. Because they turned out looking like horrid gray blobs instead of the pristine brown beauties in the original picture. Did they taste great? Sure. Did they go over well at the party? Definitely, but only because there was such dim lighting that I didn't get any decent pics of the final product until we had them for breakfast the next morning:

Awwwwwww, yuck, gross! What is that gray blob on the plate next to my mom's beautiful fruit salad? Did someone hock a... or cough up a... oh, wait, no, that's just my dumb ass using olive oil. Okay, phew. Thought that might actually have been cat barf there for a sec.

To make it crystal clear, this was no fault at all of the original recipe's. They would have been perfect if I had followed along verbatim. But the only oil I keep on hand in large quantities is olive. So my mom's party mood lighting is practically a Christmas miracle in my opinion. It allowed me to rake in the compliments that Las Vegas Food Adventures so deserves for this tasty Jewish-inspired dish.

Happy Hanu-kwan-rama-solst-mas! (Please let me know if I'm forgetting anyone, and I will make an addendum.)

P.S. If you had to pick one type of oil to keep in your house, which would you go with?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Ask for Pics of My Kitchen, and Ye Shall Receive

2009-12-18T16:39:00.004-05:00

Mae over at Peas Love Carrots (where you can currently read everything you ever wanted to know about celebrity preservationists, by the way) asked me to post some pictures of my new kitchen. I'll admit I was hesitant. My husband and I have made some progress in that there are no longer a chest of drawers and a full laundry basket in the middle of the floor. And God bless Ikea and Target for any clever storage solutions you can pick out despite the mayhem. But is it virtual-dinner-party-suitable? Er, no.

On the other hand, I don't have a recipe to share with you today. I ate a delicious yet uninspiring omelette for breakfast (read: eggs, cheese, spinach, salt, pepper). And though my husband and I made a late-night raid on his office to collect leftover goodies from the party, I am happily munching one now without knowing whether it's ham or turkey... really, if anyone from the Weekly is reading this, please help me out! No offense to whomever brought it; it's very tasty. I just haven't the faintest idea what it is.

Therefore, in a move that is uncharacteristically personal for this particular blog...

Say hello to my kitchen, my cat Panzram, my half-full trash can, my defunct Aerogarden, my as-yet-unsold tennis rackets and golf clubs (feel free to make us an offer), my floor that hasn't been swept since we moved in despite the wellie-weather we're having, my empty wine glass from which I drank OJ this morning; and of course...

...that current bane of my existence, the temperature dial on my cantankerous oven... grr...

Have fun! It's kind of like one of those bar games where you circle the objects in the picture. Only it's my life. Yay.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Baked Brie (or, "The First Dish From My New Kitchen That I've Had the Guts to Post About")

2009-12-17T14:28:00.011-05:00

By that, I mean my kitchen was so clogged with furniture and boxes for two weeks that I was embarrassed to let people see how I lived. And this is me we're talking about- not embarrassed that a tape measure once appeared in the background of a photo I posted, but sure as hell embarrassed of how big a tornado would have had to hit anyone else's apartment in order to make it look the way it has during my first weeks of residence here.

Luckily, this gave me a bit of time to get used to my new kitchen; including the new arrangement of equipment, the new not-so-double-wide sink, the old ottoman that newly lives underneath the new counter, and the new oven that is charmingly off by somewhere between twenty-five and fifty degrees. Cozy and romantic, I know. Let's just fantasize that it's in Paris rather than downtown Orlando, shall we?

Cue accordion music...

Tape poster of Eiffel Tower over window...

And let's bake some brie.

Baked Brie a la The Chickenless Chick's Sister-in-Law

Ingredients

1 wheel of brie

A few shots' worth of brandy

A couple handfuls of brown sugar

Directions

Heat oven to 350.

Put the brie in an overproof dish and dump most of the brown sugar on top of it. Pour the brandy over. Dust the remaining sugar over the top.

Bake at 350 for about 20 minutes. The cheese usually oozes out of the wax (as you can see, I just cannot figure out my impossible oven... it was plenty soft, but I never got any oozage). Serves approximately 12 as an appetizer.

This particular recipe was inspired by my sister-in-law's, which uses Jack Daniels and is very tasty. The brandy was my husband's idea, and at this point I have no idea how it turned out, since he needed it for his office Christmas party. Would that we could scrape together the money for two wheels of brie!

Anyway, the Paris fantasy was over a little too fast, so I have another somewhat depressing activity for us: Let's pretend we're back at the Chickenless Chick's old house! Here were some of my Thanksgiving leftovers.

From top to bottom:

1. Smoothie made from plain Greek yogurt, banana, OJ, ice, and leftover cranberry relish

2. Quiche made from eggs and leftover Spicy Grand Marnier Rabe

3. Parfait layered with plain Greek yogurt, almonds, and leftover cranberry relish

If you didn't get to see my Thanksgiving recipes, you can find them here.

Did I cry during that little trip backward through time at all? Of course not. The Chickenless Chick would never cry because she's a hack who can't find work and can't afford to live in a space with more than one room. Never.

On a cheerier topic, come the Northerners' growing season my husband and I will be interning on a farm, and then I'll wonder what the big deal was about letting go of a dinky little house in the suburbs. Hooray! We've been searching Colorado for internships on a whim, being that neither of us has ever been to Colorado and we've both heard positive things. We'd like to go with a permaculture program, but would take on pretty much any learning experience with zeal. Though we have loved our time here in Orlando, and my husband loves his current job, we are both more than ready to begin this next stage of our lives. Managing a small permaculture farm of our own is the ultimate goal. Eventually I hope to open a slow food restaurant on the property as well (getting ahead of myself, since I have no idea where said property is yet). If you'd like to follow our internship adventures, be sure to bookmark Doveland Farm. Currently I don't spend as much time on it as The Chickenless Kitchen, but that will change this summer I'm sure.

In the meantime, prepare to indulge an epic slew of fantasies spun here on Livingston Street.

Addendum: The brie was a big hit at my husband's office party. I got the last tiny bite of it, and I have to say I prefer my sister-in-law's. Not enough contrast between the brandy and the brown sugar. Maybe if you served it for dessert instead of an appetizer, with wafer cookies instead of bread or crackers, it might work better.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Fun With Thanksgiving Side Dishes

2009-11-27T19:35:00.005-05:00

My husband was on a roll this week. Thanksgiving is the one holiday a year that he uses a kitchen for anything other than cooking Ramen noodles. Specifically, he makes his mother's cranberry relish, which is the awesomest four-ingredient dish I know of. But this November he outdid himself. Not only did he cook macaroni on our recent camp-out, he also dreamed up an Asian-inspired peanut stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say the logistics were left to me. But I will allow that the cooking demons must have possessed him this past week. When we showed up on our host's doorstep last night, we carried both The Chickenless Chick's Mother-in-Law's Cranberry Relish and a brand spankin' new 5 Spice Peanut Stuffing (not to mention some farm-fresh broccoli rabe courtesy of Green Flamingo).

The Chickenless Chick's Mother-in-Law's Cranberry Relish

Ingredients

4 c. fresh cranberries

2 c. granulated sugar

1 navel orange (skin and all!), diced large

2 Tbsp. Grand Marnier

Directions

Combine all ingredients in a food processor or paddle blender and process until you achieve a relish-y consistency. Serves 12.

5 Spice Peanut Stuffing

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

1 1/2 c. shredded Napa cabbage

1 carrot, chopped

3/4 c. chopped scallions

3 slices day-old bread cut into 1/8's

1 c. pre-roasted unsalted peanuts, chopped roughly

1/4 c. dark sesame oil

1/4 c. soy sauce

1 Tbsp. peanut butter

2 tsp. rice vinegar

1 tsp. Chinese 5 spice powder

1 Tbsp. brown sugar

1 c. veggie broth

3/4 c. cooked brown rice

Directions

Heat the oven to 350.

In a wok or other saute pan with high sloping sides, heat the vegetable oil over medium-high. Add the cabbage, carrots, and scallions. Saute 2 minutes. Add a quick dash of the soy sauce and continue sauteing until soft, another 3-4 minutes. Set aside.

Spread the bread squares out in a single layer on a baking sheet and bake at 350 for a very, very short amount of time (start checking after three minutes). They're done when they're crisp but not quite brown. Combine them with the peanuts in a large mixing bowl. Turn the oven up to 375.

Once the vegetables have cooled, combine them with the bread and peanuts.

In a small bowl, whisk the sesame oil, soy sauce, peanut butter, vinegar, spice powder, and brown sugar. Stir this sauce into the bread, peanuts, and veggies. Transfer the mixture to an ovenproof casserole dish. Pour the veggie broth down the sides so that it distributes itself evenly throughout the dish. Bake at 375 for 70 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes after the 40 minute mark. Remove from the oven and combine with the rice. Serves 8.

Spicy Grand Marnier Rabe

Ingredients

8-10 large leaves broccoli rabe, roughly chopped

2 Tbsp. butter

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 shallot, chopped or sliced thin

Juice and zest of 1/2 a lemon

Juice and zest of 1/2 an orange

1/2 of a fresh chile pepper, de-seeded and chopped

Salt 'n' pepper

1/4 c. dried cranberries

1 Tbsp. Grand Marnier

1/4 c. veggie broth

1 tsp. orange blossom honey

1/4 c. almond slivers

Directions

Blanch the broccoli rabe in salted boiling water.

Heat the butter and olive oil in a saute pan over medium heat. Add the shallot, lemon zest, orange zest, chile pepper, and salt 'n' pepper to taste. Saute about 5 minutes, then add the blanched rabe and cranberries. Saute about 5 minutes. Add salt 'n' pepper to taste. Saute a couple minutes more (until you feel that you could comfortably eat it). Add Grand Marnier and veggie broth. Saute until the liquid has evaporated. Remove from heat. Stir in the honey and almond slivers. Serves 8.

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Playing Catch-up

2009-11-25T06:36:00.006-05:00

I spent last week apartment hunting, job hunting, and Green Flamingo-ing. The fruit of my labor in the apartment department (heehee, it rhymes) is a ridiculously cheap studio just around the block from my present amazing location. Now, I know that being culinary types yourselves, you probably see the word studio and think, "Uh-oh." But this one boasts a kitchen area- complete with appliances- that may have more counter space than my current house. So even though I'm garage-selling off about three quarters of my life before the second of next month, I couldn't be happier. My only two stipulations were must be located in a low-traffic area where I can let my cat outside and must have a workable kitchen. This pad has both those covered, and at such a low price that I instantly looked at my husband after seeing it and said, "We'd be idiots not to do this."

In the Green Flamingo department (aw man, that one doesn't rhyme!), we finished digging our aquaponics pond- affectionately dubbed The Hole- this past weekend. I hope to have pics up on Doveland Farm later today. I will also have more shots from the New Smyrna Beach Farmers' Market, where Liz and Mary of Green Flamingo sell both raw vegetables and canned specialties like the pickled okra at the top of this page.

But for now, to pursue an aspect that is more specifically cooking-related, here is the Green Flamingo kitchen...

...in which we made this:

It's a spicy pasta dish with fresh-caught sheepshead and veggies grown on the premises. My husband's and my Sunday morning fishing trip yielded nothing big enough to eat, so we obtained the sheepshead from a local seafood co-op. Seagoing meats are my favorites, and though I don't normally eat fish for environmental reasons, I will eagerly make an exception if it's locally and sustainable caught.

Macaroni el Diablo with Sheepshead and Broccoli Rabe

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. butter

2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

1 onion, chopped

1 habanero pepper, de-seeded and chopped

8-10 large leaves of broccoli rabe, roughly chopped

3 sheepshead fillets, cut into bite-sized chunks

6 servings dried macaroni

1 24-oz can unsalted tomato puree

Salt, pepper, and dried Italian herb mix to taste

Directions

Salt and pepper the sheepshead chunks and set aside.

Cook macaroni according to package instructions and set aside.

Meanwhile, heat the butter and vegetable oil in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat. When the butter has melted, add the onion and habanero. Saute about five minutes or until the onion is translucent. Toward the end of cooking time (when you have about a minute left to go), add salt, pepper, and Italian herbs to taste.

Add broccoli rabe and continue sauteing until it has wilted. As before, add salt, pepper, and herbs toward the end of cooking time.

Reduce heat to medium-low. Add the sheepshead and cover to cook, stirring only occasionally so that the chunks don't fall apart.

Add the tomato puree and macaroni. Stir. Let it warm through for a couple minutes, then stir again and taste for salt, pepper, and herb content. Add a little more if needed. Let simmer fifteen minutes. Serves 6.

This has been dubbed a Chickenless Chick Cooperative recipe, as the ingredients (other than the sheepshead and butter) were suggested, gathered, and in large part cooked by Green Flamingo intern Steve. The reconstituting of the macaroni can be attributed to my great sport of a husband, so turns out all I did was come up with the idea for "spicy tomato-y fish pasta thingie" and do the prep work. A valiant team effort with superb results.

Who else is excited about Turkey Day?! I'll be spending it with friends here in Orlando. What are your plans?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Did That Man Just Say "Pumpkin" to Me?

2009-11-16T08:33:00.009-05:00

On Tuesday, November 3rd, I issued the 30 Rock TV Dinner Challenge. The object was to come up with a dish inspired by the show, cook it by Sunday the 15th, and post your results. Sunday the 15th was yesterday, and here I am sliding in under the wire with my own entry, inspired by a Tracy Jordan line from the (aired) pilot. I looked forever and couldn't find the video clip I wanted to use, or for that matter the full episode. Unfortunately the comic value of this line, like most of his lines, depends on the delivery. While I encourage you to rent the DVD if you're really curious, here is a brief description to set the scene:

Tracy is at a restaurant with Liz and his entourage. The waiter announces that their special is pumpkin ravioli. As he walks away, Liz tries to say something business-related to Tracy. He shushes her and says, "I'm going to ask you a question and I want you all to be completely honest... Did that man just say 'pumpkin' to me?"

See? Funnier when he says it. I was rolling on the floor. Sigh. Strike one.

Here's strike two:

Yes, that is actually supposed to be a pumpkin ravioli. Note to self: Mixing wheat germ and all-purpose flour does not make whole wheat flour. It makes... whatever the hell that is.

So there I was yesterday with a bowl full of ravioli filling and not enough eggs to make more pasta dough. I racked my brain trying to think of something pumpkin-y that would be equally offensive to Tracy Jordan, and finally came up with this savory pumpkin pie.

I wouldn't call it a home run (the recipe could use a little tweaking), but at least I managed to avoid a strike three.

Savory Pumpkin Pie With Chickpeas

Ingredients

Crust*

2 c. flour

2/3 c. butter

1/4 tsp. salt

4-5 Tbsp. cold water

*Though pie crusts are generally similar, I found this one on Cooks Recipes a couple years back.

Filling

1 pie pumpkin weighing about 3 lbs

2 shallots, chopped

2 tsp. dried rosemary

1 tsp. dried marjoram

1/4 tsp. dried thyme

1 Tbsp. olive oil

4 Tbsp. butter

1/2 tsp. salt

2/3 c. Mexican-style crumbling cheese (I imagine feta would result in a similar texture, but the flavor would be completely different)

2 eggs

2 c. cooked chickpeas

Directions

Heat the oven to 450.

Mix the butter, flour, and salt in a large bowl and add 4 Tbsp. of water. Continue mixing. If the dough sticks together in a big ball, there's no need to add the last Tbsp. of water; if it still seems dry, add water slowly until the mixture reaches a dough-y consistency. Separate into two dough balls of equal size. Wrap each in plastic and store in the refrigerator.

Cut out the pumpkin's stem, grasp it firmly, and scream, "blargh!" as if you are holding a human heart.

Quarter the pumpkin... I know, I know. But look, my husband and I did it even without the proper type of knife. Instead we used two improper knives. And a lot of cursing. So you can too. Don't be a wuss.

Scrape out the yummy seeds and leave them out to dry for roasting later. Wrap the quarters in tin foil and roast them at 450 for about 40 minutes. Meanwhile, saute the shallots and herbs in the olive oil over medium heat until the onions are translucent. Add to a large bowl and set aside.

When the pumpkin is finished cooking, remove and turn oven temperature down to 375.

Scrape the pumpkin out of its skin into the bowl. Add the butter and salt. Combine using a large spoon or potato masher. Set aside to cool for about ten minutes, then incorporate the eggs and cheese crumbles.

Stir in the chickpeas.

Butter two 9" pie tins.

Roll each dough ball out flat on a well-floured surface to a diameter of 12".

To transport, fold each crust into quarters. Place these in pie tins with the points of the quartered crusts at the center. Unfold the crusts and press firmly into the tins. If needed, trim the edges using clean kitchen shears. Flute or crimp as desired.

Distribute the filling evenly between the two crusts.

Bake at 375 for 35-40 minutes, or until barely browned on top.

Cool about ten minutes before slicing. Each pie serves 6 as an entree or 8-10 as an appetizer. To reheat, simply bake at 350 for ten minutes.

Thank you to all who participated in my first TV Dinner Challenge. There will be more to come. As always, I welcome your ideas for shows to use; as well as your ideas for new challenges in general. Please feel free to leave your suggestion as a comment or email dontbeawuss@gmail.com.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Chickenless Cook of the Week: Chef Mark Dollard

2009-11-13T18:08:00.008-05:00

This week's Chickenless Cook makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. For instance, I wouldn't normally eat out. Most restaurants are not worth my hard-earned money... especially when my hard-earned money is barely sustaining me. But at Brick & Fire, a unique pizza parlor that I would never insult with the title of "joint," owner and chef Mark Dollard gives you more than you would expect for an extremely sensible price. All crusts are handmade fresh on the premises; Guinness is three freaking fifty; and the base ingredient for their standard house salad is not iceberg, not Romaine, but a field greens mix that will actually provide you with the nutrients your body would still be starving for at the end of a typical restaurant meal. The barbeque chicken pizza pictured above is one of my husband's and my favorites.

Another thing I don't normally do is put Chickenless Cook of the Week in interview format, but Chef Dollard's answers were so entertaining I couldn't resist. Here's the word on booze, girls, and mouthwatering pizza straight from the horse's mouth.

Q: How did you get started as a chef?

A: Dishwashing. Something to pay for the car that I wanted in high school. I had no idea at the time that start would turn into a career. All I had on my mind at the time was girls. That is the basic summary of all sixteen year old boys, umm yea, girls, girls, girls, a cool car to impress girls, girls, extra money to spend on girls... Regardless, once you get the restaurant business in your blood, it’s hugely difficult to detoxify it out. I had a yearlong restaurant sobriety only to find myself depressed in an industry that lacked action, chaos, drama, beer, girls, food, fun, cooking, bad language, bad behavior, and diversity. I had trouble being surrounded by guys in ties.

Q: How/when was Brick and Fire established?

A: I actually started out on my own with a restaurant called Absinthe Bistro which was located in Church Street Station. The now infamous owner, Lou Pearlman, made off with a lot of money that wasn’t his... He went to jail and I lost my lease. At auction, Church Street Station went to... now defunct previous owner Cameron Kuhn. He insisted that I open a pizza place in my previous Absinthe spot, as “that” concept wasn’t “cool enough” to be there. In a period of 24 hours, I wrote a menu and developed an upscale pizza and wine concept and submitted it, graphics and all, to the Kuhn team. The next day I had a lease in hand. Kuhn and his dysfunctional foreclosure of Church Street Station led me to close the store and move to a free standing building on Orange Ave just a mile away... I just opened the second location in Casselberry three months ago.

Q: I've noticed your prices are very recession-friendly, especially when it comes to alcohol. Do you have a quote/philosophy that sums up your pricing strategy?

A: Quality and Quantity for Price Paid... My markup is fair and my margins are thin, like a good crust should be. The wine and beer, well if you are charged club prices for a beer then you absolutely will not sell any. I would rather sell fifty beers at two bucks, than five at five bucks. If I can pay everyone and manage to do the mortgage thing then I am happy. I do although miss making my French Bistro fare, but I will be getting there again shortly.

Q: What's your favorite item on the Brick and Fire Menu?

A: Unfair question.

Q: Favorite ingredient to work with?

A: I love working with dough. It’s a challenge to make it consistently as it, like a living thing, changes constantly. My favorite aspect of any good dough is the human skin like feel it has, silky and tender along with the historic culinary nostalgia in that bread is the “Staff of Life.” I love tomatoes too, and Ice Cream, and did I mention Girls? Denote the sarcasm as married for sixteen years now.

Q: How do you come up with new recipes?

A: I find inspiration in the strangest of places, but culinary basics are culinary basics. Vinaigrette will always have a similar balance of vinegar and oil, and sautéing will always be done the same. Creating something new is the best part of what I do, and making those changes in operations gets my blood pumping.

From top to bottom: Bruschetta, Shrimp Penne, Duck Pizza. All photos courtesy of Mark Dollard.

Many thanks to Chef Dollard for this interview, and for his awesome food!

Do you have a restaurant near you that has restored your faith in the concept of eating out? Please feel free to share in the comments. If you live in Orlando or will be visiting the area, I encourage you to check out the Brick & Fire website for their menu, address, and other information.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Acai Black Currant Pickled Okra

2009-11-12T08:30:00.006-05:00

While I have at least one elaborate recipe in mind for the acai black currant syrup I won from Food Finery, little everyday uses for it are adding up by the dozens. Alice Waters' recipe for Fresh-Pickled Vegetables, which can be found on page 220 of The Art of Simple Food, partially inspired me to use it in a brine for pickled okra (the original called for sugar instead). My other inspiration was Peas Love Carrots, where you can find an awesome recent post on canning Spicy Italian Pickled Okra.

My adaptation of Fresh-Pickled Vegetables from Alice Waters' The Art of Simple Food is as follows.

Acai Black Currant Pickled Okra

Ingredients

1 1/2 c. white wine vinegar

1 3/4 c. water

2 1/2 Tbsp. Acai Black Currant flavored syrup from Sonoma Syrup Co.

1/2 bay leaf

4 thyme sprigs (I didn't have fresh thyme, so I used a generous pinch dried)

Half a dried cayenne pepper or pinch dried chili flakes

1/2 tsp. coriander seeds

2 whole cloves (I used a pinch of ground cloves)

1 garlic clove, peeled and halved

Generous pinch salt

1/2 lb. okra pods, halved

Directions

Combine all ingredients except okra. Boil over high heat. Add the okra and reduce heat to medium-high. Let simmer about 15 minutes, or until the okra is no longer crunchy but not yet gooey. Lift the pods out with a spatula or slotted spoon and transfer to a heat-proof container with a lid. Set the brine aside until it has cooled enough to refrigerate. Pour the brine over the okra, put the lid on, and chill at least two hours before you start munching (Ms. Waters says you can start munching right away, but I like to wait for the okra to marinate a bit). Will last up to a couple weeks in the fridge, and you'll get even more mileage if you can it.

Remember, just four more days on the 30 Rock TV Dinner challenge! Have you posted your 30-Rock inspired dish yet? If so, let me know!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

I Won! I Won!

2009-11-09T18:39:00.006-05:00

...a bottle of Acai Black Currant syrup in a giveaway from Food Finery! I promised to do something fancy with it, and that will come later. At the moment, I am enjoying it in a glass of cheap shiraz. Really takes the edge off that gasoline flavor... Mmm. Thanks, Food Finery!

As if you haven't heard me gush enough about Green Flamingo Organics, here are a few more reasons to be jealous of me for volunteering there:

That's all I managed to capture on Saturday before my camera ran out of juice. Silly me, forgetting the extra batteries. I didn't even get to shoot the aquaponics pond that my husband and I dug (partially). Do you guys remember when I showed you all the carpet remnants heaped in our backyard? Well, an aquaponics pond was the plan. The carpet would have lined it. But we're in a sad, sad state of flux right now, and don't know whether we'll live in the same house come the end of the month. So we're digging one at Green Flamingo instead. I am still super-mega-fun-time-happy-excited about it, and I promise not to forget the batteries again this coming weekend.

Six days left on the 30 Rock TV Dinner challenge! What are you guys planning? Or would you rather surprise me?

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Nutella and Lemon Curd Sandwich Cookies

2009-11-06T12:57:00.006-05:00

I know it's not very chickenless of me to share two recipes from the same cookbook in one month. Believe me, I was just going to do Cook of the Week and post this sometime down the road.

As I write this, there's a gunman on the loose within a few blocks of my house. As of fifteen minutes ago, they had no suspects and were still attempting to secure the office building where it happened. I'm sure you'll all read about this in the news later, and by then what I just told you will be out of date. But right now, I'm scared and confused. What the hell is going on? First Fort Hood, now this... What's wrong with the world? If that sicko is prowling my neighborhood right now, looking for a place to lie low, if he just busts into my house right now, I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH HIS HEAD. I may never know anyway. We may never be able to point to it. They may never prove that it's hormones in the water supply, or an undercurrent of political resentment on all sides that's finally built its way to this, or ANY ONE THING. As a human being, that makes me nervous. Human beings like to know things. They like to dissect incidents, to overcome hurdles. Puzzles with no answers are the essence of Jung's Shadow.

So if I'm so nervous, what am I doing here at my laptop, sitting on the floor so my head is below all the windows, writing about cookies? Because I may not know how to solve the tragedies of the world, but I do know cookies. Especially these cookies. I've baked them many times, and their sweet buttery perfection never fails to distract me. So at least for the short time that I'm blogging about them, I'll be the boss. Not some nutcase wandering around town with a gun. ME. I'm in charge.

And I say we're baking cookies, damn it.

We're baking Grandma Sylvia's Salt Butter Cookies on page 188 of America's Best Lost Recipes:

But we're baking them the Chickenless Kitchen way, which means that instead of the chocolate filling they tell you to use, we're using Nutella and lemon curd. And because there is currently no whiskey in the Chickenless Kitchen, we're using lemon juice instead.

Nutella and Lemon Curd Sandwich Cookies

Ingredients

2 large egg yolks

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 tsp. lemon juice

2 sticks salted butter, softened; or 2 sticks unsalted butter plus 1/2 tsp. salt

2/3 c. granulated sugar

2 1/4 c. all-purpose flour

2 Tbsp. each Nutella and lemon curd

Directions

Heat the oven to 350.

Beat the yolks, vanilla, lemon juice, butter, and sugar in a mixing bowl.

Incorporate the flour (and salt if using).

Roll bits of dough between your palms to make balls about 3/4" across. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes. You should end up with about 36 small cookie halves. Let these cool completely (both Nutella and lemon curd are lousy to work with at high temperatures).

Once the cookies have cooled, separate them into two groups of the same number. Spread a paper-thin layer of Nutella on one group, lemon curd on the other. Take one of each (it helps if they're approximately the same size) and marry them. Press firmly, or else the lemon curd side will slide off. Makes 1 1/2 dozen sandwich cookies. Store in the refrigerator.

Just checked the news again. Apparently they have ID'd the suspect, an ex-employee who was fired last year for "performance issues." They're saying it's too soon to pinpoint that as a motivation.

They haven't physically caught him, at least not as of three minutes ago. I can hear the noise of the police helicopters over my house starting to fade. Maybe that's a good sign. Just going to have to wait and see. In the meantime my heart goes out to the victims and their families, those poor people who can't just look at pictures of cookies and make this go away.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Frittata... WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-05T10:54:00.011-05:00

If you discovered my blog sometime within the past week, you may have been duped into thinking I'm a vegetarian. Not so. I'm just a pauper who gives a damn what she puts in her mouth, and if I have to sacrifice something to lower my grocery bill, meat it is. I refuse to buy the cheap stuff that comes from inhumane, unsustainable, and unhealthy factory farms.

But when my mom is charitable enough to give me a pack of nitrate-free, hormone-free Applegate Farms turkey bacon, I ain't gonna turn it down.

As a matter of fact, I may have been overzealous with it in this case:

Yup, that's for one frittata. Singular. Bearing in mind that there were two other fatty sources of protein (cheese and eggs) present as well.

But hey, how was I supposed to know turkey bacon doesn't shrink like regular bacon?

On the plus side, I think both my husband and I made ourselves sick enough off it to get through the rest of the week feeling grateful for our chickpeas and red beans.

Here's how to make the same frittata I made. If you're not a card-carrying Atkins dieter, you may want to reduce the amount of bacon. And if you're among those feeling betrayed because you thought I was always going to be here for you with meatless recipes, feel free to throw in some tofu bacon or whatever it is you folks with will power like. (Anyone still confused regarding the name of my blog, please feel free to check out this post.)

Frittata With Turkey Bacon, Watercress, Shallot, & Swiss Cheese

Ingredients

3 eggs

1 Tbsp. plain yogurt or Oikos

1 Tbsp. olive oil

1 shallot, chopped

4 strips turkey bacon, chopped

1 c. watercress, chopped

1/2 c. Swiss cheese, diced

Directions

Heat your broiler.

Beat the eggs and yogurt together in a mixing bowl. Set aside.

In a large pan or skillet with an ovenproof handle, heat the olive oil on medium. Add the shallot and saute two minutes. Add the bacon and saute two minutes more. Add the watercress and saute three to four minutes more, or until the onions are soft and translucent and the bacon is thoroughly browned.

Turn the heat down to medium-low and distribute the cheese throughout the pan.

Stir the egg mixture and pour it over the pan's contents. Tilt the pan around to distribute evenly.

Within a few minutes, you should start to see bubbles all over the frittata. At this point, tilt the pan again to check for doneness. You should be able to see a layer of cooked egg underneath the raw that comes about halfway up your fixins.

Stick the pan under the broiler for two minutes or until it has just begun to brown on top. Remove the pan and immediately plate the frittata to keep the bottom from overcooking. To do this, shove a spatula in at the edge and rotate the pan so that the frittata comes loose (you may have to dig under it a little to free it, especially in spots where there are big hunks of cheese). Position the pan low over the serving platter so that the edge is even with where you want the edge of the frittata to end up. Tilt the pan and shake it gently. When the frittata is about halfway off, you can guide it a little with your spatula to ensure that it doesn't break in half.

Voila!

Serves 4-6 as an appetizer, 2 as a main course.

My husband and I split this for dinner. The watercress shrank a lot more than I thought it was going to, so to round out the meal, we each had some roast eggplant tossed with a handful of basil and a standard Balsamic vinaigrette. This versatile dressing/sauce/marinade is so easy I could make it in my sleep without even taking that creepy medicine that makes you sleepwalk. Just whisk three parts olive oil to one part Balsamic vinegar with a dash of dijon mustard to emulsify.

Now, how is it that a pauper like me can afford fancy-schmancy produce like shallots and The Incredible Shrinking Watercress? I must be quite the hypocrite, huh? Perhaps, but not in this case. I mentioned the other day that, thanks to a tip from a reader, I discovered a great local market in the Orlando/Winter Park area called Harvill's. All the produce I bought earlier this week came from within the state of Florida... and here's the best part:

My total for enough fruit, veggies, and herbs to feed two for a week was TWELVE DOLLARS.

If that sounds pretty standard to you, bear in mind that my husband and I do not eat like normal people. There's no cereal, pretzels, salsa, jars of spaghetti sauce, etc. in our house. When we snack, we snack on fruit and peanuts the way the cavemen did it. When I make a tomato-based sauce, it's from tomatoes and herbs. And I have a salad for lunch pretty much every day. So imagine my elation to spend TWELVE DOLLARS on what normally comprises the vast majority of my grocery bill. TWELVE DOLLARS. I'm just going to keep saying it until I believe it. TWELVE DOLLARS...

On another positive note (TWELVE DOLLARS), I am exceedingly proud of how well my food photography is coming along. I have a secret, which I will reveal to you at some point in the future I'm sure. But for now, here are a few extra shots that I liked and couldn't find anywhere to include in the body of the post:

Drop by tomorrow for a stellar Chickenless Cook of the Week, and start racking your brain about what to do for the TV Dinner challenge.

TWELVE DOLLARS!!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

TV Dinner: 30 Rock

2009-11-03T19:40:00.004-05:00

The Show: 30 Rock

The Challenge: Cook something inspired by the show on or before Sunday, November 15th (this gives you two full weekends to think it over). It can be based on a specific moment, or on a broad concept or character. If you have a food blog, post your results. If not, I'd still love to see your creation, so feel free to email pics and stories to dontbeawuss@gmail.com.

If you're not a 30 Rock fan, don't fret- there will be more TV Dinners to come! Let me know if you have any ideas for future challenges.

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Chickpea Stew With Dill

2009-11-03T16:21:00.011-05:00

I know, it's like I'm not even trying anymore. What's so chickenless about chickpea stew (besides the obvious)? All I can say in my defense is that it has quite a chickenless amount of dill in it.

Chickpea Stew With Dill

Ingredients

2 Tbsp. olive oil

4 large carrots, sliced

1 rib celery, sliced

1/2 head garlic; cloves separated, peeled, and sliced

1/2 tsp. dried cumin

1/4 c. fresh dill or 1 Tbsp. dried

1 1/2 c. cooked chickpeas

2 1/2 c. veggie broth

2 c. canned/packaged diced tomatoes (I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pomi is the way to go if you don't can your own)

2 tsp. lemon juice

1/4 tsp. salt

1/8 tsp. black pepper

2 c. cooked brown rice

Directions

In a stew pot, heat the olive oil over medium-high. Add the carrots, celery, garlic, and cumin. Saute until the vegetables are soft but not falling apart, about 7 minutes. Add the dill; saute to coat. Add the chickpeas, broth, tomatoes, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer 20 minutes. If you want a thick stew, stir in the rice and serve with bread. For a thinner version, spoon the rice into individual serving bowls and ladle the chickpea mixture over it. Serves 4.

I must take this opportunity to publicly retract a comment I made on someone's blog yesterday (I can't remember whose, and it's better to do it here where all my readers can see it anyway.) I said that Publix Supermarkets has a good business model and that they really take care of their employees. Well, what should happen but this evening my husband comes home from work and tells me that there's a temporary Publix boycott underway due to a human rights issue. If they raised the price of their tomatoes just a penny per pound starting this next fiscal year, they could afford to pay harvesters a living wage. For the time being, they are holding out, which sucks.

Luckily I was recently tipped off about a market called Harvill's in the Winter Park area (thanks, Nichole!) They sell a lot of local produce and farm-fresh eggs. May not necessarily be organic, but at least every fruit and vegetable I bought today came from within my home state. I'll be psyched to share pics and descriptions of what promises to be a mostly-local week!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Awards Season Is Still Going Strong

2009-10-31T13:35:00.008-04:00

Rabbit, rabbit!

Once again, a fellow blogger whom I admire very much has flattered me with the Kreativ Blogger Award. If you haven't already, please pay The Colors of Indian Cooking a visit. Writer Kathy Gori serves up some delectable dishes, and I learn something new whenever I read her blog.

I'm supposed to tell you seven fun facts about myself, but I have decided not bore you with that part again. I am just an ordinary person (unlike Kathy, who has voiced Hanna-Barbara cartoons!!)

The rules also state that you must pass the award on to seven other bloggers. This, I will do. A lot of great people inhabit the blogging community, and it was difficult to pick just seven last time, so I'm glad I get another chance.

November Edition Nominees (in Alphabetical Order):

Brooklyn Farmhouse

Eating Local in the Tropics

Just Cook It

Living in the Kitchen With Puppies

Mediterranean Cooking in Alaska

Salty Seattle

Sunshine Mom

These bloggers differ greatly from one another, but each electrifies the blogosphere with passion and creativity. Congrats to them! (If this is your first time receiving the award, please tell us seven interesting facts about yourself and nominate seven other blogs that you are proud to follow.)

Next on the agenda...

Results of the Roasted Salad pictured above? Meh. The vinaigrette was a little weird. I couldn't cut the tartness of the lime without adding more olive oil, and since I had already used olive oil in the roasting process I was hesitant to make a big oily mess of the whole affair.

As always, please feel free to tweak this at home and email me/comment with your results.

Roasted Salad

Ingredients

Roasted Vegetables

3 sweet potatoes, peeled and diced large

1/2 red onion, diced large

2 stalks celery, rinsed and sliced

1/2 tsp. olive oil

1/8 tsp. cinnamon

Pinch ground cloves

Salt 'n' pepper to taste

Sweet Lime Vinaigrette

1 tsp. lime juice

Pinch salt

1 Tbsp. olive oil

1 tsp. honey

Quick dash dijon mustard

1/8 tsp. celery seed

Pinch black pepper

Directions

Heat oven to 425.

Toss the sweet potato, onion, and celery in a mixing bowl with the olive oil, cinnamon, cloves, salt, and pepper. (This seems like a small amount of olive oil, but little fat is needed for roasting.)

Spread the mixture in a baking pan or other oven-proof vessel. If possible, maintain a single layer.

Bake at 425 for 25 minutes.

Go read the next chapter of your book or something.

Remove veggies from the oven. Transfer them to a heat-proof container with a lid that seals. (Do not put the lid on yet.)

While the veggies are cooling, squeeze the lime juice into a small cup or dish and add salt. Let this sit at least ten minutes, then whisk vigorously. Add the rest of the vinaigrette ingredients and whisk again.

Pour the vinaigrette over the veggies and put the lid on. Holding the lid firmly, shake to distribute the vinaigrette. Leave this on the counter and go read another chapter of your book or something.

When the mixture has cooled down enough to refrigerate without compromising your fridge's other contents, shake it one more time and chill for two to forty-eight hours. Shake or stir again before serving. Can be brought to the table chilled, at room temperature, or reheated. Serves 4.

Hope you had a happy Halloween!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Chickenless Cook of the Week: Anonymous

2009-10-30T10:39:00.008-04:00

That's right, anonymous. No pictures. No name. No identifying features whatsoever. Just a lovely stock photo of cows in a field.

Now, it's not that this person chooses to remain anonymous... on the contrary, his home page has his name and picture right on the banner. I'm the fussy freddy behind all the discretion, and with good reason. This week's chickenless cook is technically a criminal.

First, a crash course in civics:

A long, long time ago, back when people didn't understand what germs were and thought they were the work of the devil or something, they used to keep their dairy cows in unsanitary conditions and feed them items that the FDA would not deem safe for their consumption today. (Not that the condition of your average cow is so hot in the US at present, either; but for the sake of argument, let's say dairy farms are basically cleaner than they were at the turn of the century). Folks in cities frequently got sick from milk that had been transported from rural areas. Up sprung the practices of pasteurization and homogenization. Big bad creepy-crawlies like typhoid stayed out of the milk supply, farmers were still allowed to transport their milk long distances, and for a long time everyone was content with the arrangement.

But as Bob Dylan would say, "Don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin." Today, organizations like Real Milk argue vehemently that the benefits of raw dairy outweigh the risks, as long as sanitary standards are upheld.

Trouble is, they're not allowed to test this theory. Sale of raw dairy for human consumption is illegal in a number of areas throughout Europe and the United States, all the territories of Australia, and all the territories of Canada. In my home state of Florida, only criminals deal in the raw.

Enter my anonymous cook of the week.

An acupuncturist by trade, he started volunteering on farms years ago, and developed a side business selling local products such as fruits, vegetables, herbs, and- you guessed it- raw dairy. Anyone who wants to partake can sign up on his website. Every two weeks he schleps around picking up from farms (all are within a three-hour radius). Customers can then pick up their pre-ordered contraband at his Altamonte Springs home.

Let's take a side trip and discuss the logistics of this business for a moment. Surely he uses less gas fetching your food from local sources than a chain grocery store uses importing your food across the globe. Thumbs up so far. However, those thumbs are attached to hands that are not "on". You still won't understand where your food comes from, any more than if you had bought it at Super Wal-Mart. You won't get to judge for yourself the living conditions of any animals involved, or whether the fertilizer they use on their plants is organic. You are entrusting your health and ethics to a third party. Thumbs down on that- no matter how trustworthy your third party happens to be, perpetuating a "get it all in one spot" mindset discourages diligent research and, by extension, responsible eating.

So far, I have thumbs pointing in each direction. Here's where your thumbs come in.

I considered expense when deciding whether or not to use this service. When you buy directly from a farmer, there's no middleman to jack up the price. Now, if you're a busy person, chances are it's either because you have a job that keeps you that way or are a single parent with a steadily-working spouse. In either case, you may find it worth paying a bit more for the convenience of attaining assuredly-local food from one source. In my case... well, I have more time than money, so my thumbs went down. This is a personal rather than a societal consideration, and I thought it would interest my readers to spread the idea around. Perhaps you would like to patronize a business like this in your neck of the woods. Perhaps you would even like to start one. In either case, I would strongly support you, even though I don't happen to be the ideal customer for your services.

I would also like to hear from your thumbs as far as the legal issue is concerned. We're moving back into the realm of societal consideration now, but the reason I saved this for last is because I'm not sure where I stand in the raw dairy debate. I am more than okay with the legal sale of booze and cigarettes, so long as their labels clearly warn of the health hazards. But I'm not crazy about the idea of selling something that could cause a typhoid outbreak. Potential benefits include increased nutritional value and assistance with immunization... both important, to be sure, but worth being legally allowed to place your children in danger of life-threatening disease?

If that were the whole story, I would say no. But I don't know the whole story.

What have you heard? I understand that mostly small farms engage in this activity, so is it possible that the risks of consuming raw dairy are being exaggerated by lobbyists working for large corporations? Or are raw dairy traffickers a health menace, as deserving of punishment for their crimes as drug dealers?

In an earlier post, I asked you to leave a kind word for my cook of the week; and I would still ask that if you can't say something nice about him personally, don't say anything at all. I chose him for a reason: because he is one chickenless SOB. No matter what can be said about the legality of his business practices, I personally admire him for helping people get the local foods they appreciate and deserve.

That being said, would you use a service like his? If not, is it due to any of the factors I've mentioned, or is there something I haven't considered? What is your opinion on raw dairy in general? On local dieting? Please feel free to leave a comment or write dontbeawuss@gmail.com.

Thanks for taking the time to read this in between trips to the costume shop or the party supply store. Happy Halloween and look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Maple Oatmeal Clafouti... Yes, I Only Got the One Good Picture of It

2009-10-29T14:52:00.008-04:00

Introducing another fabulous guest recipe by The Chickenless Chick's mom!

Now I have to warn you- and I doubt I'm embarrassing her by saying this- my mom is no chicken in the kitchen; and this is a far cry from traditional clafouti, which I find quite bland. So if you're looking for an exemplary clafouti, then I'm sorry I wrote the word clafouti on this page so many times that the search engine picked it up... clafouti clafouti clafouti. (Meh, I'm not that sorry... I'll take hits where I can get 'em.)

Maple Oatmeal Clafouti

Ingredients

2 ¼ cups old fashioned oats (uncooked)

¾ cups brown sugar

¾ cup dried cherries or cranberries

¾ cup walnuts (optional)

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp salt

1 ½ tsp vanilla extract

1 ½ tsp maple extract (or 1 tbs vanilla if you don’t have maple)

1 ½ tsp apple cider vinegar

2 cups milk

2 eggs (whipped)

1 large tart apple, like Granny Smith, diced

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Oil or grease 13 x9 casserole dish. (Filippo Berio extra light olive oil comes in a nice little spray pump now if you don’t have your own sprayer.)

Mix dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Set aside.

In another bowl, whip eggs. Stir in milk, vanilla, maple, and vinegar. Add to dry ingredients, and mix together. Stir in apple. (It will look watery and gloppy. Don’t panic!)

Pour into casserole dish. Spread the solids around evenly throughout the wet mixture.

Bake at 350 degrees, 50 minutes. Test with toothpick for doneness.

Cool slightly and cut into twelve squares.

Top with homemade applesauce, plain or vanilla yogurt, and drizzle with grade B maple syrup (for a more intense maple flavor).

Simple Applesauce

Ingredients

3-4 apples (I like to mix sweet and tart – like 2 MacIntosh and 1 Granny Smith, for instance.)

3 T. brown sugar (optional)

1 T. lightly salted butter (optional)

2 T. water

Directions

Chop apples, add to pan with water. Bring to boil on medium heat, stirring often.

Add butter and sugar, turn heat down and simmer 10-15 minutes depending how chunky you like your applesauce.

Thank you, Chickenless Chick's Mom, for indulging my blog addiction and letting me share your recipe with my food nerd friends!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Non-Panade

2009-10-28T19:28:00.010-04:00

No idea what a panade with no cheese is called. I would have said vegan panade, except that I will never under any circumstance call something vegan in the Chickenless Kitchen. This is out of utmost respect for my vegan friends (those who are chickenless in the most literal sense of the word) having to deal with jackasses like me who go, "Oh, yeah, it's totally vegan," and then it turns out that I was ignorant and large red kidney beans are actually an animal product somehow. Great care and effort goes into that lifestyle, and I'm not about to thwart anyone's attempt at accurate recipe research by overlooking something that I didn't consider because my cold-blooded omnivorous piehole gets stuffed full of it every day.

On that note I present to you a Non-Panade that, if not vegan, can hopefully be made so with a few simple tweaks. In any case, it can be made a number of ways with a number of results. Which is what the Chickenless Kitchen is all about.

Non-Panade

Ingredients

10 asparagus spears

2 Tbsp. olive oil

1 large onion, sliced thin (I used a small yellow one plus two extra slices of red)

1/2 head of garlic, cloves separated and sliced

1/3 c. dry lentils, rinsed and picked over

Salt, slightly more than to taste

5-6 slices any type of day-old bread (or in my case week-old bread), vegan if preferred

1 rooty-tuber-type vegetable, peeled and grated (I used sweet potato, but I imagine a white boiling potato or Yukon Gold would also work)

3 2/3 c. veggie broth

1/3 c. wine (I used a Spanish red that was on the sweet side)

1 1/2 Tbsp. butter or additional olive oil

(Isn't grated sweet potato pretty??)

Directions

Blanch the asparagus spears, then cut them into bite-size pieces.

Heat olive oil in a large saucepan over medium-low. Add the onion, garlic, and asparagus. Stir to coat in oil. Cover and cook for about 17 minutes, or until all are kinda-sorta-mostly soft.

Heat the oven to 350.

Turn the heat up to medium-high under the vegetables and remove cover. Add lentils and salt slightly more than to taste; especially if using a sweet onion, sweet potato, and sweet wine like I did. Saute about 5 minutes more or until the asparagus is soft enough to eat as is. Remove from heat.

Combine wine and broth. Place the mixture over low heat.

Divide each bread slice into 4 pieces. Arrange on a baking sheet and bake in 350 degree oven for 5-6 minutes, or until crispy but still light in color.

Arrange about half the bread pieces on the bottom of an ovenproof dish with an equally-ovenproof lid (I used a round casserole 8" in diameter, which worked perfectly for these ingredient proportions... small wonder, considering I'm the one giving you the recipe). Arrange half the onion mix on top, then follow with half the rooty-tuber-type vegetable. Repeat so that you have two layers of each.

Remember the tea kettle trick from the New Orlexeek Red Beans and Rice post? Aw yeah, here it comes again... transfer the broth to something with a spout, then pour it down the sides of the dish until you see a wine-tinged substance threatening to carry your top layer away in a tidal wave.

Oooohhh, doesn't it look so ominous, lurking down there?

Anyhoo, if you're using butter, cut it up in a bunch of little slabs and distribute it evenly over the top. If you're using olive oil, drizzle it on.

Bake at 350 with cover on for 45 minutes. Continue to bake with cover off for 30 additional minutes. Serves 3 for lunch with a salad; 4 if you're going to have it as a prelude to a big fat roast pheasant; 5 if you're going to have it as a prelude to a big fat roast pheasant with this for dessert... or this... or this. (Props to Salty Seattle, Food o' del Mundo, and Natalie's Killer Cuisine respectively!)

Be sure to bring the serving dish to the table, because if you divvy it up in the kitchen, it just looks like you decided your guests would enjoy a big glob of soggy bread for dinner:

This is a Patented Chickenless Kitchen Rip-Off, based on any number of traditional soups that came before it. Panade is a terrific skeleton to work with, particularly if you are just delving into the world of creating your own recipes. Please feel free to throw your hat into the ring and let me know how your version comes out.

Yesterday I mentioned my plans to do some SOLE-searching (har, har, har). All I can tell you so far is that this Friday's Chickenless Cook of the Week will interest folks who want to eat responsibly despite a hectic schedule. Please stop by and leave a kind word for him if you feel so inclined.

Tomorrow... the oatmeal clafouti recipe goes up! Better late than never (though by now I've built the suspense so much that you're going to make it and think it sucks). My Foodbuzz friends know what I'm talkin' about. For those who don't, here's an instant replay:

TTFN!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Aw Yeah, Here Are the Results of the Wheat Germ Challenge...

2009-10-27T20:33:00.016-04:00

I'm ready!! I'm ready!!

...Wait, I'm not ready.

Can anyone tell me what this is?

Well, then, damn it, I'm not ready.

Why hasn't anyone made the application for Google yet where you can just upload a picture of something and then ask what it is? That would be useful right now. Because I got this is in my Vietnamese takeout container a couple days ago, and now it is an integral part of my wheat germ challenge recipe.

Anyhoo, other than the fact that I used a mystery herb (hoping some of my Foodbuzz friends will be able to lend a hand here??), this went swimmingly. I hope to make Baffling Ingredient a common recurrence, if not a rigid feature, on the Chickenless Kitchen. Face it, people, I do have to work sometimes... sometimes. Once in a blue moon.

Without further ado, I made Back to School Granola Bars by Sunshine Mom:

I made them to the very best of my ability.

I made them without letting my ADD take over.

Except for the part where I excluded the chocolate chips, subbed extra wheat germ for Smart Balance, and crumpled one up to sprinkle over asparagus.

Right. Hopeless.

Granola Asparagus

Ingredients

2 tbsp. olive oil

1 clove garlic, sliced thin

1 lb. asparagus spears

2/3 c. vegetable or other light broth

2 Tbsp natural, unsweetened peanut butter

1 tsp. lime juice

1 Tbsp. mystery herb (I'm pretty sure Thai basil could sub in a pinch)

1 1/2 tsp. soy sauce

1 tsp. rice vinegar

1 of Sunshine Mom's incredible Back to School Granola Bars

Directions

Blanch the asparagus spears. Meanwhile, heat the olive oil over medium-low. Add the garlic slices and swish them around for a few minutes. Just before they start to brown, discard them.

Raise heat to medium-high. Add the asparagus spears to the garlic-infused oil in the pan and saute until cooked through, about seven minutes. Remove the asparagus and plate it, reserving as much oil in the pan as possible. Cover the asparagus to keep it warm.

Turn the heat back down to medium-low. Be patient. I know, it's hard for me too.

Add the remaining ingredients, minus the granola bar, to the pan. Cook, stirring, until the mixture starts to bubble.

Separate the asparagus onto two separate serving plates. Pour the sauce over. Divide the granola bar in half. Crumple each half over a serving. Serves 2.

Thanks very much to Sunshine Mom once again for her delicious recipe! Before you go accusing me of bastardizing it, let me just say in my defense that I bastardized it with a Vitamix.

Have you seen this sucker in action? Here are my peanuts:

Here are my peanuts ten seconds later:

BOO-ya!

You're going to think I work for Vitamix at this point, but I don't. The fact is, I've just never seen anything like it. Thirty more seconds, and I would have had peanut butter.

Is it a new toy, you ask? Oh no, it is not a new toy. I've had it over two years, and I've never had to sharpen the blades. It's just that good. Highly recommend it to anyone who believes in the necessity of owning both a blender and a food processor... this puppy has two different processing bowls, one for dry ingredients (like if you want to make peanut butter out of whole roasted peanuts) and one for wet (like if you want to make smoothies, soup, etc.), and they both work their magic like nothing I've ever seen in a kitchen.

For those of you who didn't see my earlier post, I've been inspired by Michelle Gienow's article about eating responsibly on a food stamp budget. I plan to spend all day tomorrow looking up local sources for protein. Because even being poor, I can't stand buying from irresponsible sources for one more week. I have to do the best I can; despite being here in Orlando, which in my opinion is a desert for responsibly-raised food products. Don't get me wrong- I love being here, and if I didn't, I would leave in a heartbeat. I just want to do some research and see if it's possible to have my cake and eat it too.

Will have some results for you tomorrow night. Til then, thanks to all who participated in the wheat germ project, and hope to see your entry in the next Baffling Ingredient challenge!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.

Is It Wine? Apple Juice? No, It's...

2009-10-27T12:11:00.003-04:00

... the last sip of this morning's coffee dumped into this afternoon's club soda with lime. If you've never tried it, do! And let me know about any variations you do as well. I'm thinking maybe just a couple drops of chocolate syrup... or maple... or agave nectar... all those extras I can't afford... the list goes on.

While we're yacking about not being able to afford extras, check out this article about SOLE food (Slow, Organic, Local, Ethical) by Michelle Gienow of Baltimore's Citypaper. Apparently she kept three bellies full of SOLE for a month on a food stamp budget. Major kudos!

Just updated my permanent links to include all my nominees for the Kreativ Blogger Award. Thanks again for your chickenless blogging, ladies.

Will post the results of my wheat germ project later in the day. Stay tuned!

Beat the eggs. Whip the cream. Show no mercy.